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The Unexpurgated Diary
of a Shanghai Baby
by Elsie McCormick
first published in Shanghai, 1923
CONTENTS
Chapter 1...............................................13
Chapter 2...............................................23
Chapter 3...............................................31
Chapter 4...............................................41
Chapter 5...............................................49
Chapter 6...............................................55
Chapter 7...............................................63
Chapter 8...............................................73
Chapter 9...............................................83
Chapter 10..............................................91
Chapter 11.............................................103
Chapter 12.............................................113
Epilogue...............................................121
Glossary...............................................125
CHAPTER 1
In Which the Baby Decides that "Home, Sweet Home" Must Have Been Written by Orphan ... The Charms of Calling Sinza Road ... Amah Stages a Funeral ... The Strange Vagaries of Silk Hose in Shanghai.
March twenty-ninth
The family has been raving about somebody called Opal Whitely and somebody else called Daisy Ashford that they said were infant prodigies. I guess I'm as smart as they are, even if a lot younger, so am going to keep a diary myself.
The family can't read it, of course. They're awfully stupid. Heard mama say just now that the amah had better take me out, as I'm making marks all over a piece of paper on the dining-room floor. Will continue diary in kitchen. That's where I spend most of my time anyway.
I live in a nice brick house with my family but though I have been introduced to the others, I am not well-acquainted with anybody except the amah. She speaks a nice, easy language and not the funny kind of foreign talk the others use. Am learning to understand them, though. This morning I heard them wondering where all last night's chicken went. But when I started to tell them about the cook's two cousins who are boarding in the kitchen, mama said, "Listen to the little dear. He's trying to say 'Daddy'."
Have decided that the family is quite hopeless. Will learn to read the Want Ads as soon as possible so as to find a new home.
March thirtieth
There are lots of things about grown-up talk that I don't understand yet. Today papa told my auntie that if she didn't make good pretty soon, he would send her back to America. Auntie cried and said that if papa would be decent to poor Bertie, she would soon have a man to care for her.
"Bertie!" said papa, "He isn't a man; he's a lap-dog."
"He comes from a very good family!" Auntie said, crying some more.
"He must have come a long way," papa said.
"And he knows some of the best people in town," auntie replied.
"Perhaps. I always said myself that the night watchman was a pretty good fellow," papa remarked.
It's too deep for me. Am going to take a nap.
March thirty-first
Went out today with the amah. Mama thought we went to the Public Gardens, but we didn't. Amah took me calling on Sinza Road where all her family live in a nifty two roomed house. They were very much interested in my new back tooth. First amah put her finger in my mouth. Then her brother, Lo Shing, First Rate Lady Best Style Tailor, put his finger in my mouth. Then her cousin, Ah See, who runs High Class Christian Gambling Parlor, put his finger in my mouth. Then Liou Zung, Stylish Maker of Ancient Chinese Ornament, put his finger in my mouth. Wish amah's family wasn't so fond of garlic.
April second
Went out with amah again this morning and a fresh Jap baby made a face at me in Hongkew Park. Will get even someday. When I was enjoying bottle at home later, mama said, "He's getting to be such a big baby that pretty soon we can give him solid food." If she only knew what I had this morning - piece of meat dumpling that amah chewed for me and a water chestnut. Amah is a good sport.
April third
Had colic. Squalled.
April fourth
Didn't sleep well last night, as father came home late and made lots of noise. Mama hasn't had much to say this morning. Very unusual. Looks like rain.
April fifth
Not much doing today. Papa asked mama how her bridge party went. Mama said she lost five dollars. Papa said, "Five dollars! Do you think I'm made of money?"
"Who dropped $200 on Silver Streak last fall?" Mama inquired sweetly. Papa turned red and murmured that accidents would happen. Mama said yes, they would, but that was no reason for betting on one of them. Papa picked up a poetry book, from the table in a hurry and started to read out loud. He read, "The stag at eve had drunk his fill."
"Yes," said mama, looking at Papa. "That is the worst of those stag parties."
Papa said he guessed he would go out and take a walk.
April sixth
Bertie called again today and said that he was not feeling well because a few months ago he had had a bad attack of water on the brain. Papa said it was too bad they removed it, as water is better than nothing. Auntie is not speaking to papa now. Grown-ups are very curious.
April sixth
Saw that fresh Jap baby again in Hongkew Park. Made a face at it. Mama said today that we might go to America soon, but that we can't take amah. Very sorry. Hate traveling with strangers. Believe I'll give the family my resignation and try to get a job.
April seventh
Raining again. Spent most of this morning in the basement with amah, watching houseboy and coolie play cards with mama's new bridge deck. Coolie won two pairs of papa's silk socks from houseboy. No use telling the family, though. They never listen to me.
April seventh
Afternoon and still raining. Papa was late to tiffin and mama said that he shouldn't have stopped in at the club. Papa said, "How did you know I stopped in at the club? By telepathy?"
"No," said mama, "I didn't have to use telepathy."
The girl next door passed just then with a man in an automobile, and papa said, "She seems to be getting by all right. Wonder why Ethel can't make it?"
"She's an impertinent little chit," said mama, looking out the window.
"Then I suppose you would call that fellow who fetches and carries for her a chit coolie," papa answered.
Nobody said anything more during tiffin. Slept in the afternoon and dreamt I hit that fresh Jap baby from Hongkew Park with my wooden elephant.
April eighth
Mama was real excited this morning, because she said that the stepsister to amah's grand-aunt had died and amah had to show up at the funeral.
"Who will take care of our baby?" mama asked.
"Oh, is that our baby?" said papa, looking surprised, "I always thought it was the amah's."
"Don't get funny," said mama, "It's a serious proposition. She'll be gone all day. Somebody will have to look after him."
"There's a nomination I could make," papa said.
"You're trying to be ridiculous again. What would my friends think if they saw me wheeling a perambulator?"
"They might think you had a baby," papa said.
Mama didn't answer this right away, but remarked later that she wondered if amah really was going to a funeral.
"Maybe she belongs to the literary section of the Amahs' Friday Morning Club and is going to read a paper on 'Introducing Chinese Civilization into the Foreign Home'," papa remarked.
"You make me tired," said mama leaving the room.
Still sitting on the dining-room floor. Guess I'll have to shift for myself today.
April eighth
Didn't go out with mama after all. Rather sorry, as I believe in being democratic and cultivating the people I live with, even if I don't know them very well. Mama turned me over to the house-boy's aunt. Nice old party. Took me to a place where she burned some punksticks before a funny-looking gentleman; then undressed me and put some red paper on my chest for good joss. Didn't squall. Thought I'd humor the old girl.
Passed a place in Hongkew on way home, with pictures outside of black-haired man choking lady on top of building. Had glimpse of amah coming out with two other amahs, eating peanuts and giggling. Will snub her next time we meet.
April ninth
Nice weather again. Papa came downstairs after tiffin all dressed up in funny clothes and carrying a lot of clubs. "I'm going out to tee off," he said.
"That's all right, as long as you don't tee up," Mama answered.
Can't understand a lot of this talk. Wish they would try to learn my language.
April ninth
Later - Papa came in bye and bye. Said he saw Bertie on the links.
"Yes, he is going to take Ethel and me to a dance tonight," said mama. "He goes to all the dances at the best cafes."
"And I suppose he takes part in all the most fashionable walks on the Bund and rides on the most exclusive streetcars," papa said.
Mama didn't say any more because funny noises came from downstairs just then, and papa said he was going down to the basement to tell that Chinese Mischa Elman to put some rosin on his bow.
April ninth
Still later - Nothing much else happened today, except that when I was going to bed I heard papa tell mama that he missed a lot of silk socks. "Is the houseboy wearing them to the meetings of the Young China Fantan Association or have ladies taken up half hose again?" he asked.
"You're always losing things," said mama, "What became of all that money you took out the other night to play poker with?"
"That's neither here nor there," papa said.
"It certainly isn't here," mama answered.
April ninth
Last bulletin - have decided to forgive amah after all. Wish I could get a day off myself sometimes. Would like to start something with that fresh Jap baby that makes faces at me in Hongkew Park.
CHAPTER 2
In which the Baby Observes Family Life on Sunday Afternoon ... He Discovers That He Takes After Both Relations ... The Mandarin Coat as a souvenir ... First Battle in the Nippon-Baby War ... The Mystery of the Shattered China.
April tenth
Sunday again. Like Sunday because there are so many papers on the floor for me to rattle, though family won't let me stay in living room very long. Tailor came this morning with new dress, and mama told papa that the Chinese have a genius for higher mathematics because they can take seven yards of georgette crepe, make a five-yard dress and have nothing left over. Papa said, "Uh-huh," and turned over the page of his pink sheet to see what Jiggs was doing.
"Look at baby with the newspaper," said Auntie. "Pretty soon he will be reading the comics."
"Yes," said mama, "If he can ever get them away from his dad." Papa is still reading pictures. Guess I'll play with the Want Ad section.
April tenth
Still Sunday. Auntie put record on phonograph and began to practice new dance. "I'll have to learn all the latest side-steps," said Auntie, "Dancing is getting more complicated than ever. Every little movement seems to have a meaning of its own."
"Yes," said papa, "and if some of the meanings were translated into words, they couldn't be sent through the mails. I've certainly seen some weird dancing in this town."
"Have you?" said mama looking interested, "I suppose you'll see some more of it when Ethel and I and the baby go away for the summer."
"Well," said papa, "the houseboy is a good fellow and he and I have many things in common, including my tobacco and silk socks, but that doesn't mean that I'm coming home early every evening you're away to play tiddledewinks with him."
Mama went out and banged door. Through with papers. Wish amah would come upstairs and bring me my wooden elephant. Want bite on back tooth.
April tenth
Sat on dining room floor during tiffin, as amah was busy in basement telling next-door amah all about Auntie's dates, Bertie, and mama's new dress. Papa said that if the houseboy didn't learn that he wanted to eat the food and not merely look at it, he was going to chain down the plates. "He doesn't let a course pause in front of me any longer than the deacon halts the hat when taking up a collection at church," said papa.
"Maybe he is fussed because you are here," said mama. "He is not very fond of strangers."
"Well, if that cook was as good a performer on the kitchen range as he is on the Chinese piccolo, I wouldn't eat so many meals away from home," papa said.
I started to tell them a little later that I wanted amah to come upstairs and give me some Chow.
"Listen to baby," mama said, "Isn't it funny how he talks all the time without saying anything?"
"I always said he took after you," said papa, reaching for hat and diving toward door.
"I'm not the only member of the family he takes after," mama shouted down the hall, "Have you ever noticed how fond he is of his bottle?"
Papa shut front door hard and went down street.
April tenth
Sunday afternoon. New man called to take Auntie to a place they called the Golden State.
"Who is that infant I saw Ethel going out with?" said papa, coming in just after they left. "Has she taken to teaching a kindergarten class?"
"He is no infant," said mama, "He was in the war two years and was wounded twice."
"I didn't know they mobilised the Boy Scouts," said papa, picking up the paper again.
Didn't hear any more because amah carried me off to take a nap.
April eleventh
Still raining some. Sat in basement while nextdoor amah told our amah all about the girl in her house. Didn't pay much attention, as was busy watching coolie wash his clothes with mama's perfumed complexion soap. Other amah went home bye and bye and our amah cracked some watermelon seeds for me. Pleasant morning.
April eleventh
Mama told papa at tiffin that she had gotten a letter from Aunt Lucy at home, asking her to send two or three Mandarin coats as souvenirs of China.
"Did she send a check with her little request?" papa asked. "Not so you could notice it," mama answered, shaking letter.
"They never do," said papa, "People at home seem to think that all you have to do in China to get a Mandarin coat is to bait a trap with some chop suey and wait for a Mandarin to walk into it. Are you going to send her any?"
"No," said mama, "I've decided to wait until she goes to France this summer and then ask her to send me two or three little frocks from the Rue de la Paix as souvenirs of Paris."
"That's the stuff," said papa.
April eleventh
Later - Wish the rain would stop. Want to go out to Hongkew Park and settle things with that fresh Jap baby.
April twelfth
Feeling fine today. Amah parked my perambulator next to fresh Jap baby's in Hongkew Park, then went off to talk to Chinese policeman. Jap baby made face at me and tried to grab wooden elephant. First threw wooden elephant on ground out of reach, then leaned over and took Jap baby's bean-cake. Later reached for black hair and got some. Amah came back, picked up elephant, and wheeled me away. Who said Jap babies never bawl?
April twelfth
Later - Family more stupid than ever. Amah set me in bathroom this morning while she went for clean clothes, as I had spilled Jap bean-cake on dress. Saw upstairs coolie cleaning corners of wash-stand with mama's tooth-brush. Squalled to call family. Mama came upstairs and asked amah if safety-pin was sticking me. No hope of getting across any real ideas in this house. Had pleasant nap later still holding black hair.
April thirteenth
Fair and warmer. Sat on porch today and watched new gardener pull up flowers and leave weeds. Papa said that Summer was coming and that he was going to hide his palm beach trousers before the amah kidnapped them to wear as part of her summer sports costume. Nothing else happening except another new tooth in northwest corner of mouth. Wish I could try it out on Jap baby.
April fourteenth
Weather still good. Mama told papa at tiffin that amah said next door man on right was going to the States.
"Zat so?" said papa, telling boy to bring soup chop-chop. "His sole will be missed by every brass rail in Shanghai. There'll be lots of moaning at the bar when he puts out to sea."
Mama said that his friends held a farewell party at his house last night and that all the chinaware had been broken.
"Judging from his complexion this morning, they drank his farewell toast in Ningpo varnish," said papa.
"He'll have to behave for a while anyway, as he's going on an American liner and the only wet thing around the boat will be the ocean," mama replied. "He certainly is a wild character. It served him right to have all his chinaware broken."
Tried to tell family that next door houseboy had borrowed our china for party, but mama told amah to take me out as I was making too much noise.
April fifteenth
Mama found out about china today. Very angry. Papa said that if mama would look into the kitchen once in a while, these things wouldn't happen. Mama said she stayed out of the kitchen as much as possible, because every time she went in, she found out something she didn't want to know. "Last time I dropped in, I saw the cook filling the chow water bottles from the kitchen faucet," mama said.
Houseboy says that he will make up loss by borrowing china from houses where his relations work. Mama remarked that she would like to sack houseboy, but papa said never mind, as he is going to be married next week and will be punished enough.
April fifteenth
Later - Tried out new tooth on hard cake amah bought from street hawker. Seems to be working well. Nobody else has noticed it, though. Wanted to call auntie's attention to it, but she was too busy talking to papa. Auntie was saying that she would like to invite Bertie to dinner.
"He doesn't have much chance to see home-life," Auntie said, "He lives in a mess."
"I don't doubt it," said papa, "He generally looks like one." Auntie said papa didn't appreciate Bertie, as he was very clever and was a great student of botany.
"I noticed that he was interested in grasswidows," papa said.
"You don't know what a big soul he has, or you wouldn't say such things," said Auntie, beginning to cry.
"Don't I though," said papa, "I'll bet he wears number elevens."
Can't make anybody pay attention to tooth. Have thought some of squalling, but what is the use? They would only undress me to look for safety-pins.
CHAPTER 3
In Which the Baby Finds that He Can't Stand the Social Pace ... The Inconveniences of Being Kissed by Company ... The Elusive Bachelor in Shanghai ... Cold Jelly-Fish versus Stocking Feet.
April sixteenth
Sleepy today, as family kept me awake last night getting ready to go to dinner party. Wish crib was up in attic. Noise began as soon as they came upstairs.
"Is it a boiled shirt affair?" asked papa, looking out of bathroom with lather on face.
"Of course," said mama, "Were you contemplating wearing your golf-suit ?"
"I was contemplating not going at all," said papa. "Last time I went there a fat woman we played bridge with mistook my foot for her husband's and stepped on it every time they bid. I was lame for a week."
"You don't want to go any less than I do," said mama, "I went to a tea-party today and I'm all worn out."
"Well," said papa, looking at mama's evening dress, "if that's the way I felt about it, I'd put some clothes on and go to bed."
"Go on and get ready," said mama, jabbing tortoise shell ornament into hair. A few minutes later papa came back to ask if Ethel wasn't going.
"She's late again," said mama.
"I suppose she stopped to have a permanent wave put in her finger-nails or something," said papa, looking for pearl stud under bed. Just as they left I heard mama tell papa to keep an eye on the spoons, as she was trying to locate half a dozen that the house-boy loaned out a month ago. Have decided to start reprisals if family continues to make noise going to parties. Would like to organise other Shanghai babies into a union for an eight-hour day.
April seventeenth
Family came down late to breakfast on account of party. Mama told papa he should have known enough to return his partner's lead on hearts in the last rubber. "I didn't realise I'd borrowed it from her," said papa. "It's too late to return it now unless I do it by chit. Besides, that will even us up a little. Her husband took $100 from me two months ago and hasn't returned it yet." Mama didn't say anything but stirred coffee hard.
"Anyway," said papa after a moment, "I don't go through a whole hand with my mind in a millinery shop and then come up for air to ask what's trumps."
"Who does that?" asked mama sweetly.
"I read somewhere that the late Empress-Dowager did," said papa, looking at toast with interest. No more conversation during breakfast.
April seventeenth
Later - Company came in afternoon. Expected trouble when I heard mama tell amah to put on my filet lace dress, as I was to be brought downstairs for a while. Tried to crawl behind linen in closet, but amah found me and hauled me out. Hate company. First, fat woman kissed me and said I was a "diddle, diddle dumpkin." Then thin woman kissed me and said I was a "witchykitchy sweetheart." Then a bald-headed man kissed me and said I was a regular little Jack Dempsey.
"He's such a fine baby it's easy to see he has a mother's personal care," said one lady. "He surely has," said mama looking pleased. Wonder if amah is a mother.
April seventeenth
Still later - Company finally drifted into next room to have tea and forgot me. Had a pleasant time playing with coal in brass hod and listening to conversation. Heard bald-headed man remark that he had a headache this afternoon, as he had taken several grains of quinine and it always made him dizzy. Surprised to hear this, as it was not quinine I noticed when he kissed me. He also said that he always takes a great deal of medicine in the East, as the drinking water doesn't agree with him.
"How did you happen to find out?" asked papa politely. Mama kicked papa under table and started sudden conversation about expedition into Thibet.
"It must be terribly thrilling to be among wild people and wild animals," said fat lady.
"Oh, I don't know," answered papa, "You can see enough wild people here in Shanghai, and if you're pining for wild animals, just wait until the mosquito season opens."
"I think it must be very exciting," said mama, giving papa quick expression. "Sometimes I wish I had married an explorer."
"You have," said papa, reaching for cookie. "I'm just about to apply for a medal from the Royal Geographical Society. Yesterday, alone and unassisted, I found three addresses on Dixwell Road."
Thin lady said she heard that in Thibet they made statues of butter and kept them for as long as a year.
"Now I know where some of the dairies in Shanghai get their supply," said papa. Went to sleep leaning against coal hod. When I woke up, company had left to go to concert and mama was telling papa that he was hopelessly lowbrow.
April eighteenth
Bertie expected for dinner today. Auntie very excited. Bought some long-stemmed flowers and put them in vases on either side of the grate. Also spent hour before glass trying hair new way. I was downstairs when Bertie came and heard him remark that he was looking forward to going on a paper-hunt. It's about time," said papa, who had come in from office. "I go on one six days a week, trying to pick up paper with some government printing on it. It's a great sport."
Bertie said that he was thinking of giving up his present place to become a broker.
"Would you ride around town in one of those dear little traps?" asked Auntie, clasping her hands. "I think they're too sweet for words."
"Yes," said papa. "They're a great sight. Every morning the brokers stage a Ben Hur chariot race on the Bund, most of them standing up in the pose of an ancient Roman with short petticoats and a filet around his brow. Every time exchange drops a ha'penny, the mafoo hits the horse, and when it drops a penny, he runs over a ricsha coolie."
Didn't hear any more, as was busy pulling heads off long-stemmed flowers which flower-man had fastened on with pins.
April nineteenth
Fair weather this morning. Took off one more layer of clothes. Mama asked Auntie if Bertie had said anything yet.
"Nothing except that it was a nice day yesterday," said Auntie, looking cross. Auntie spent rest of morning playing sad music on phonograph. Papa came in for tiffin while she was trying "Where is My Wandering Boy Tonight?" and stood up straight with hand at forehead.
"Why are you standing up?" said mama, coming in.
"That's Shanghai's national anthem," said papa, sitting down at end of record.
Spent some time in basement with amah, trying to make friends with cook's cat. Rather nice pussy, but don't like the way he sings. Sounds like Auntie taking vocal culture.
April nineteenth
Heard mama tell papa that houseboy was going to be married in a few days and that family should give him a present.
"What's the idea?" asked papa. "We don't owe him any present. He's been harvesting his trousseau from my wardrobe for the past three months."
Mama said if we lost this houseboy, we might get another not interested in wardrobe but fond of family jewelry. Papa said that we might as well give him a present, as he would take one anyway. "What shall it be - a silver nut dish or a brass card-receiver?" papa asked.
"Neither, of course," said mama.
"It ought to be something practical, that he could use every day."
"How about an alarm-clock?" asked papa.
Family still arguing when amah brought my bottle and piece of candied ginger cousin sent from Canton.
April nineteenth
Quiet afternoon. Heard mama wondering why living-room couch always looked so untidy in the morning. Could have told her that cook's brother-in-law, who is out of job, sleeps there every night after family goes upstairs, but mama never talks to me unless to say "da-da" once in a while. Family rather snobbish. Glad amah and I move in same social circle.
April nineteenth
Papa came home early and mama told him that they were going to sukiaki with people they had met at card-party.
"Whose bright idea was that?" asked papa.
"Why, don't you like a sukiaki?" said mama.
"I can think of other ways of enjoying myself besides sitting in my stocking-feet on the floor eating Japanese stew and cold devil-fish," said papa. "Besides, I never went to one of those affairs yet that I didn't have a hole in my sock, and had to walk with my feet drawn up, so people couldn't see it."
"That's your own fault," said mama.
"Oh, is it?" asked papa. "Well, if I'm expected to do the embroidery on my own hosiery, I may as well borrow some Chinese clothes and hire out as a Number 2 Amah."
Nothing more said about stockings just then, but later heard papa ask mama to lend him some court plaster as he had discovered hole.
April twentieth
Went out this morning with amah and wooden elephant. Elephant very nice to bite tooth on, but always falling out of perambulator into street. Amah kind about picking it up and giving it back to me. Know taste of every street in Shanghai.
CHAPTER 4
In Which the Baby Hears a Conversation on Art or She is Daubed ... Later Observer the Chinese Art of Squeeze ... Indications of Gentle Spring in the Far East ... Why Caesar crossed the Rubicon.
April twentieth
Mama received picture from America, which she said Aunt Mary sent her for anniversary present. "Isn't it a wonderful work of art?" said mama, showing it to papa.
"It surely is," said papa, turning frame. "Which way do you look at it?"
"It's a view of the sun setting behind waves," said mama, snatching it away.
"Oh, is it?" asked papa. "I thought it was a ripe tomato rising above a sheaf of lettuce leaves."
Mama said papa had no appreciation of art, and papa said that he had and could prove it by bringing home picture which friend had just given him called "Nymph Among the Flowers".
"I'm not sure we would want that in our home," mama answered ...
"Oh, it's perfectly O.K.," papa said. "It was done after the Futurist School and might just as well have been entitled, 'Electrical Buzz Saw in Action'."
Family stopped talking about pictures, as washman came just then and mama wanted to know why all family linen had changed initials in last five days.
April twenty-first
Pleasant weather. Sat on porch with wooden elephant and watched our coolie cut flowers from next-door garden. Later coolie came in and collected twenty cents from mama to pay flower-man. Just wait until I can talk.
April twenty-first
Auntie said at tiffin today that she was going to tea-dance with new man named Cyril. "Everybody says that he is a wonderful dancer," said Auntie. "He has made a name for himself."
"He has made several names for himself, and he uses them when he signs chits," said papa.
"I think you are too mean for words," said Auntie, struggling to cut chop.
"Well," said papa, "I wouldn't pin too much faith to a wonderful dancer. You can't eat a foxtrot."
Mama said it was a good thing young men in town had the habit of hiring cars, as a girl couldn't make much progress otherwise on account of ricshas being so unsociable.
"They ought to build them tandem," said papa. When family stopped talking about ricshas, papa remarked that mama ought to tell the cook not to buy any more Peking camels, as he had blisters on his hands from trying to cut the meat.
April twenty-first
Nice afternoon. Went out with amah in perambulator. Saw fresh Jap baby on Jap amah's back. Looked very foolish. Glad I don't have to wear kimono in street.
April twenty-first
Came home later and saw Cyril arrive to take Auntie to tea dance. Neighbor lady also calling.
"Isn't Shanghai just too cosmopolitan for anything?" said Auntie, sitting on edge of chair and starting conversation.
Didn't hear more, as mama remarked to neighbor lady that amah had kept me out a long time that afternoon, but that she didn't mind because the fresh air did me good. Amah didn't say that we spent afternoon with other amahs in moving-picture show, seeing fine film of lady tied to railroad track by gentleman.
April twenty-second
Nice day. Mama took accounts with cook this morning, and when papa came home at noon she showed him grocery bill.
"Do you think we could have eaten as much as that?" she said.
"Not unless we kept an orphan asylum," said papa, reading total. "He must have added in the average annual rainfall and the gross tonnage of the Empress of Asia."
"We'd better not be too hard on him," said mama. "Maybe we do eat more than we realize. Only this morning he showed me that the coffee can was empty again."
Guess cook didn't mention dipping out of can every day to fill two other cans on shelf. Probably amah will keep me out of kitchen when family begins to understand my language.
April twenty-third
Raining. Mama and papa talked at breakfast about dinner they will give next week for taipan. Mama said that they will have to invite one more man and suggested friend in mess. "I've heard people say that he's pretty good in a party," said mama.
"He is in some ways but I've noticed that when the chits come around, he always gets writers' cramp," said papa.
Mama said that they would have to ask him, as there wasn't much time left, and that she would send coolie over with note.
"If you're in a hurry, you'd better mail it," said papa, starting for office.
Mama went out herself soon afterwards, because she told Auntie that she was going to try to find a spring hat under fifty dollars that didn't look as if it had gone through the Kansu earthquake.
April twenty-third
Afternoon - Still raining in afternoon. Lady who writes poetry called after tiffin and asked papa if he had observed the evidences of spring.
"Yes," said papa. "I've noticed that all the drugstores have taken in the cold remedies and are featuring the cholera cures."
"Haven't you observed other indications?" asked lady, looking disappointed.
"The ricsha coolies are taking off more clothes," said papa.
"But surely you feel a thrill of happiness because Winter is over," lady said. "Doesn't it mean something to you?"
"It means something to me, but it doesn't give me a thrill of happiness," papa answered. "It means that pretty soon I'll have to wear a monkey-jacket, and every time I put one on, I feel that I ought to pick up the card-tray and page somebody."
Mama came downstairs just then, and papa sneaked out toward Race Course. Wish he'd take me some time. Tired of going to park and hearing amahs talk about new family that just moved to Frenchtown.
April twenty-fourth
Sunday, sat on floor in living room and heard family talk about next-door automobile. "I wish we had a car," said mama, looking out window.
"Why?" asked papa. "We don't know anybody in Woosung." "There are plenty of places to go besides Woosung," said mama.
"No place that I know except the Rubicon," said papa, "and I've been around that so many times that I don't wonder Julius Caesar got impatient and crossed it instead."
"It isn't so much a question of where you can go as the impression a motor car makes on members of the community," mama answered.
Papa said yes, that most cars did make impressions on members of the community, but they were usually made on Chinese members that didn't jump fast enough.
Mama picked up fashion-paper and turned leaves with rattle.
April twenty-fourth
Later - Had pleasant nap upstairs, but woke up later and saw coolie trying on mama's new spring hat before mirror. I'd just like to catch him putting on my bonnet!
CHAPTER 5
In Which the Baby Finds That a Dinner Party Takes as Much Preparation as a Battle and is About the Same Thing in the End ... The Diplomatic House-Boy Gets a Line on the Taipan's Dinner Clothes ... Papa's Friend Believes in Preparedness.
April twenty-fifth
Went out calling on amah's third cousin who lives on little street near Nanzing Road. Perfumes very unusual. Not a bit like mama's talcum. Don't remember much of visit, as went to sleep on bed with Chinese baby getting over mumps. Later amah let me drink tea from her cup and gave me piece of fried dumpling. Pleasant morning.
April twenty-sixth
Nobody paying any attention to me today. Everybody getting ready for taipan's dinner. Amah busy making red paper frills. Mama busy making place cards. Cook busy making menu. Auntie busy making complexion. Houseboy busy making trouble. Hope they don't forget my chow.
April twenty-sixth
Later - Papa came home to tiffin and brought fresh lettuce.
"It's perfectly safe," he said. "One of the men in the office grew it in his own garden."
"I'm so glad," said mama. "I'm as hungry for lettuce as a rabbit. I'll send it right down to the cook to get ready for tonight."
Sat in kitchen later while amah tried on Paris garters she had found in papa's bureau drawer. Had interesting time watching cook blow mouthfuls of water on sanitary lettuce to keep it fresh.
April twenty-sixth
Still sitting in living-room. Family forgot to have me put to bed. Table all ready for taipan's party. Mama called downstairs to papa and asked him what he was doing.
"Reading a love-story in the Municipal Gazette." said papa. "Can't I sit down for five minutes without giving an account of myself?"
"Go in the dining-room and compare the place-cards with the initials on the knives and forks," said Mama.
"The houseboy borrowed from all over so as not to have dish-washing between courses and I want to make sure that nobody gets his own silver."
Mama said later that she had decided upon everything except the person who was to sit on papa's left.
"Well, don't go and pick out a century - plant," said papa, taking salted peanut from red paper dish. "The last one you put me next to remembered the inauguration of Lincoln." Squalled at this point and was taken upstairs, but couldn't sleep anyway on account of noise. Heard papa ask mama what had become of his pearl studs.
"I gave them to the baby for cough-drops," said mama, with unpleasant look in voice. Papa said all right, that she didn't need to tell him if she didn't want to, but if he didn't find them he would wear my safety pins.
April twenty-sixth
Last bulletin - Papa wondering if taipan would wear evening suit or dinner coat.
"If he wears a dress suit, I don't want to show up in a dinner coat, and if he comes in a dinner coat, I don't want to put something over on him by wearing an evening suit," said papa. Mama said he might send the houseboy over to ask taipan's houseboy what his master was putting on.
"I'm afraid he'd tip it off to the taipan," said papa. Mama said she didn't think so, and that anyway the Orientals have a grand reputation for diplomacy. Houseboy went, but came back pretty soon. Told papa that other master sent compliments and said he would wear evening dress and that his wife was going to wear low-necked purple gown with pearl necklace. Did not catch papa's remark, but heard shoe falling downstairs after houseboy. Sometime when feeling good, I will get even with family by squalling all night.
April twenty-seventh
Everybody cross today after taipan's dinner. Papa said party would have been a success if houseboy had not served dinner from behind heavy garlic barrage. Mama said it was papa's fault for telling story he had heard at club and for spearing olives with fork. Auntie cross because Bertie led her aside to say something special and then asked her for piece of baby-ribbon to tie up his lampshade.
Cook cross because people ate so much that he had nothing left over for cousins. Family living today on salted peanuts, fudge, and ripe olives. Glad we don't have dinners often.
April twenty-eighth
Had interesting morning sitting on living-room floor and trying new tooth on carved wood screen. Heard mama remark that she had met papa's friend and that he looked as if he were going to be best man at a hanging.
"He is upset because he is going home on the Golden State," said papa. "He is afraid his suitcases will leak."
"Is the Golden State going to be dry?" asked mama.
"Theoretically, yes," said papa, "but thus far there have been 103 more tons of baggage than freight shipped on board, and practically all of it would splash if roughly handled."
"But won't they be caught by the Department of Justice when they land in San Francisco?" asked mama.
"Oh, no," said papa. "By the time they reach San Francisco, it will be a case for the Department of the Interior."
Spent part of afternoon sitting in pen on porch and hearing mama tell the neighbor lady that her hair had come out something terrible since living in Shanghai and that pretty soon she would not have enough for sidepuffs.
April twenty-eighth
Papa came home later feeling very happy, and said that he had seen friend off on Golden State. "He must have unpacked his suit-cases rather soon," mama remarked.
"Oh no," said papa, looking at self in glass. "All the Elijahs who tried to protect themselves against the drought will have a lot more than a little oil. They put a bar on at Hongkong."
Mama said that she was glad there was a place where papa's friend could settle down with his knitting and feel at home.
CHAPTER 6
In Which the Baby, Hears about the Carlton and Proposals ... Papa Tries Going in a Pool ... Auntie has Idea for Safe and Sane Bet ... Bridge as a Means of Promoting Harmony.
April twenty-ninth
Not much doing today. Spent part of morning in basement, hearing coolie play music on Chinese fiddle. Very good noise. Couldn't do better myself.
April twenty-ninth
Auntie upset today because she heard Bertie was going with girl in Frenchtown. Papa asked if Auntie had ever seen her. "Yes, she was at the Carlton the other night," said Auntie. "She was the one who didn't have enough clothes on and who danced so funny."
"You don't expect me to pick her out from that, do you?" asked papa. "The description fits ninety percent of the women there."
Auntie said she thought girl's dress was old-fashioned.
"Most of them were dressed from the waist up in the most old-fashioned clothes there are," said papa.
Auntie said she thought papa was impolite and remarked that anyway she didn't care about Bertie, as there were plenty of other men.
"A man proposed to me on the boat coming over," said Auntie.
"What was the matter with him?" asked papa, "Was he seasick?"
"He was nothing of the sort," said Auntie, with mad edge in voice. "He asked me to marry him the third day out."
"I'll bet he didn't say it loud enough for you to hear him," said papa, eating 205th salted peanut.
Auntie said that anyway she knew Cyril was in love with her, as she could tell by the way he looked at her when she wasn't looking at him. Papa told her that her periscope seemed to be in pretty good working order, but that she ought to be careful not to get a kink in her neck.
April thirtieth
Pleasant day. Amah, cook, houseboy, and coolie excited about something called sweep-stake, Nobody paid much attention to me, but not sorry as had found can of syrup that oozed at top.
"I'm going in a Pool with the fellows at the office," said papa, coming in for tiffin.
"Isn't it rather early for swimming?" asked mama, looking up from Ladies Home Journal.
Papa started to say something, but stopped and remarked that yes, it was, but this time he was hoping to pick up a little seaweed.
Wish he'd give some to me, as would like to see if it is good to try on new tooth.
May first
Not much doing today. Sat in dining-room for a while trying to lick color off of red and blue round things which I found on floor. Color didn't come off very well. Later stayed in kitchen with amah while cook was fixing tiffin. Cook's cat took piece of fish from shelf and began to eat it on floor. Cook took fish away from cat and put it on frying pan. Was surprised cat was hungry, as had heard papa tell friend that he had sat up most of the night feeding the kitty.
May first
Mama cross at tiffin. Told papa that the low brow friends he met at the club had no place in a proper home.
"That tall one who just came out from the States is round-shouldered from getting in and out of patrol-wagons, " said mama. Papa said that some of mama's friends were not so many laps ahead and that stout lady was so uncultured that she thought "The Lays of Ancient Rome" had something to do with eggs.
"Besides, she's so fat that she has to ride around in two ricshas," papa remarked.
No more noise during tiffin.
May second
Rain. Stayed home and heard coolie play fiddle. Mama said that the only thing worse than man learning to play cornet was man learning to play Chinese musical instrument.
"The trouble is you never can tell when they've learned," said papa.
Hope coolie doesn't get into habit, as family couldn't tell difference in case I wanted to squall for something.
May second
Papa didn't go to office this afternoon on account of races. Asked Auntie if she wanted to put up a bet.
"Will they give me my money back in case my horse doesn't win?" Auntie inquired.
"Of course," said papa. "Do you think they would be mean enough to keep it?"
Auntie said that she had read a lot about race-course sharks and wanted to be careful.
May second
Still raining. Nothing to do but stay home with wooden elephant and watch coolie sweep dust under living-room lounge. Papa came home later, and mama asked him if his favorite had won.
"That horse was so slow coming in that the judges thought he was winning the next race," said papa, pulling off gloves with unpleasant look. "He certainly was one poor runner."
"How much did it cost you to find that out?" asked mama, but papa had started upstairs to get money out of mama's purse for ricsha man.
May third
Sat in dining-room and heard family talk about bridge they had gone to at place called Columbia Country Club. Papa remarked that the family scores, taken together, about equalled the number of votes a cross-eyed girl would get in a beauty-contest.
"It's too bad we didn't play mah-jong instead," said mama. "We might have won the mah-jong set."
"Yes," papa answered, "Think of all the fun the baby could have had swallowing the counters."
Papa said after a moment that he always had been keen about bridge.
"I love the sprightly conversation that goes during a bridge game and the kindly looks that are exchanged among the players," papa remarked. "I am also fond of the lady who holds a coroner's inquest over every hand and digs back 13 tricks to call you to time for not having led the fourth best of your strongest suit. The only time I'm happy playing bridge is when I'm the dummy,"
"That's because you feel so natural," said mama.
Papa started to say something, but began to whistle "Kiss Me Again" and went out to office.
May third
Family all worked up at tiffin because I said "Daddy," Nothing to get excited over, as have been saying it for past month. Only trouble is that family never listens to me.
May third
Later - Auntie went out to races with Cyril. Came home afterwards and Papa asked her how she had liked them.
"Oh, they were fine," said Auntie. "I saw the cutest duvetyn dress cut Directoire, and a perfectly stunning lavender raincoat with a white rubber flower on the hat."
"But who won the races?" asked papa.
"Oh, a lot of horses," said Auntie, pulling out hatpin. "I don't know their names."
Papa said that if Auntie went to an execution, she probably wouldn't know if the man was being shot for stealing jade or for passing another automobile on Nanking Road.
CHAPTER 7
In Which the Baby is Perturbed by Cucumbers and the Spring Meet ... The Pleasures of House-Booting ... The Jap Baby Springs a New Accomplishment, Thereby Upsetting Some Deep-laid Plans.
May fourth
Everybody gone to races to-day. Cook took bird-cage and went after tiffin. Houseboy went to dentist for tooth-ache, but saw dentist at same place. Nobody home but amah and me. Pretty soon amah put me in perambulator and wheeled me to house of old Chinese lady, then went out toward Bubbling Well. Old lady gave me nice piece of cucumber to chew, which she told amah wouldn't hurt me because it was too big for me to swallow. Fooled her. Swallowed it. Would like to live in this house, as would enjoy chickens roosting on crib.
May fourth
Later - Amah came back in hurry, wheeled me in rear entrance of home, took off bonnet, and had me sitting in pen when family came in front way. Told mama I had slept upstairs all afternoon. Surprised that amah has such poor memory. Papa said that married men always lost, as he had won $50 in Pari-Mutuel, but had to spend $250 to dress up family for races.
"Anyway, a lot of people looked at me in my new clothes," said mama. Papa said a lot more would have looked at her if she had just blacked her face, and it wouldn't have been nearly as expensive.
Cyril came in bye-and-bye, looking unhappy. Said that he had been tipped off on a pony. "Did you hurt yourself much when you fell?" asked Auntie.
"About a hundred dollars' worth," said Cyril. Auntie said it was awful the way the doctors charge in this town and that Cyril should be more careful in his riding.
May fifth
Something wrong inside. Squalled all day. Mama said climate doesn't agree with me. Don't remember eating any climate.
May sixth
Somewhat better. Went out with amah to Hongkew Park and saw fresh Jap baby. Looked in other direction as am not feeling in good trim yet.
May sixth
Family talking about invitation to go on house-boat trip. Mama asked papa if he would like to go. "Why should I?" asked papa.
"All I have to do is to take the springs out of my bed and saw off the end so that I have to sleep doubled up like a Duplex apartment. Then I need only tell the boy to break all the bottles of chow water and forget some important articles of diet; limit the family to one washbasin; hire some fragrances strong enough to walk up and shake hands; and engage a lot of coolies to look in the window while I'm dressing, and I can have just as much fun as if I were on a houseboat trip. I never went on a houseboat party yet where the boy didn't break the water-bottles. It must be a rule in the Chinese civil code."
Mama said that papa probably didn't miss the water-bottles very much, and papa said that he wouldn't get the credit for it even if he did. Papa remarked later that families who went on houseboat parties together either parted mortal enemies or else had so much on each other that they had to stay good friends.
May seventh
Nice day. Sat in kitchen and watched cook scrub potatoes with old hair-brush. Later enjoyed pleasant time while cook's wife and amah had argument over winnings on Pari-Mutuel ticket. Cook's wife bit amah's ear. Many remarks about ancestors. Busy morning.
May seventh
Later - Mama remarked at tiffin that hot weather would soon be here and that papa ought to buy a pith helmet. "I have no ambition to go around town looking like Livingston exploring Africa," said papa.
"The chief thing I am going to get for the hot weather is a little printed card saying, "No, I wouldn't mind the heat if it wasn't for the humidity. By pinning it to my lapel I'll be saved the trouble of saying it 999 times a day."
"What will you find to talk about?" asked mama.
"Just watch me," said papa. Mama remarked that she had every intention of doing so.
May seventh
Papa came home wearing court-plaster on countenance. Said he was going to find new barber as he was tired of losing so much face.
Think court-plaster would be very becoming to Jap baby. Will practice throwing wooden elephant so as to be ready for next trip to Hongkew Park.
May eighth
Not much doing today. Had pleasant time upstairs while family went for ride in car, watching houseboy take shave with papa's new safety razor. Later saw him put on some of mama's Mary Garden perfume. Perfume had hard fight with garlic. Garlic won. Will try to keep an eye on my talcum powder.
May eighth
Family came home later and mama said she didn't see why we couldn't have car too, as she was tired paying coppers in tram and having them handed back because of wrong pictures.
"If you'd just say 'season,' you wouldn't have to pay any coppers," said papa. "Nobody who knows the ropes pays to ride in a tram in this city."
Mama said that if papa was the right sort, he would buy her a car. Papa answered that if he did it would have to be cheap one without a self-starter, and he had trouble enough already cranking up the telephone.
May eighth
Later - Sat on floor with wooden elephant while family ate tiffin. Surprised to hear papa say that trains during war were protected by amah. Didn't know she traveled.
May ninth
Went out to Hongkew Park and saw fresh Jap baby wearing white apron on top of kimono and little flat red hat on head. Silly get-up. Jap family excited because baby could step alone. Awfully stuck on itself. Have decided not to throw wooden elephant, as didn't know Jap baby could walk.
May ninth
Papa came home for tiffin and mama told him about new sweater which Aunt at home had sent her.
It would be nice to have Aunt Mary come out to visit us," said mama.
"I don't think she would like the Soochow bathtubs," said papa with unhappy look, "Nobody but a cobra could be comfortable in one."
"I had no intention of asking her to sleep in a Soochow bath-tub," said mama, giving papa quick expression. "If she was your aunt, you'd want to give her the best room, but just because she's mine you don't care what becomes of her."
Papa said that there are ants enough around in the summer-time eating up the provisions, without sending for another from America.
May ninth
Had busy time later chinning self on side of pen. Will walk soon if lucky. Afterwards went upstairs for nap and saw new coolie mopping floor with mama's sweater on broomstick. Pleasant afternoon.
May tenth
Nice day. Mama has taught amah to put funny glass thing in my mouth and then read what it says. Told amah she must cook it first.
Amah cooks it, then tastes it to see if it is all right before giving it to me. Can't find any sense in stunt, but then have stopped expecting much of family.
May eleventh
Family had busy time today talking about place to go for summer. Papa said he would like to go somewhere where there is good hunting. Mama answered that he could find that in any resort and he wouldn't have to go out of his room, either.
Papa said later that he hoped to find place where shoes were something to put on feet and not ground for green vegetable garden.
"Why not ask our friends about good places?" asked mama.
"We might try it, but I've noticed that people are always strongest for the resorts they haven't visited," papa answered.
Rather looks at present as if family is going to Tsingtao. Hope so, as might find Jap babies there that haven't learned to walk. Have decided to save wooden elephant.
May twelfth
Papa said that tomorrow would be Friday the thirteenth and Auntie asked him if he was superstitious.
"Yes," said papa. "I always used to hate to get thirteen days in jail for speeding and I never do like to pay bills that fall due on Friday."
Auntie said she didn't wish anybody any bad luck, but that she hoped girl from French-town would fall down at tea dance and sprain her costume.
CHAPTER 8
In Which the Baby Decides That the Life of Infant in Shanghai is One Round of Friday, the Thirteenth ... New Hope for the Jessfield Monkey-House ... The Baby Tries to Help Out a Romantic Situation.
May twelfth
Porch covered with woolen things being aired for summer. Mama said she was going to put them in moth-proof bags. Papa said that amah-proof box would be more to point. Wish there was such a thing as amah-proof baby.
May thirteenth
Friday today. Family said day means bad luck. Can't see that luck is any worse than usual. Stuck by same number of safety-pins and have same funny feeling in mouth where new tooth is coming. Amah very busy telling all other amahs in town about family going to Tsingtao for summer. Papa told mama at tiffin that she must be raising me on cafeteria plan, as there wasn't anybody to wait on me. Didn't mind being left alone, as was busy upstairs watching new coolie clean bathtub with mama's crocheted washcloth.
May thirteenth
Mama asked papa if he had had any bad luck today. "Every day is Friday the thirteenth to a married man," said papa, reading bill for mama's new dress. Mama said that she could have married half a dozen nice men at home, and papa said it was too bad she didn't as she needed that many to pay for clothes. Auntie said just then that papa didn't realise how expensive clothes were, as she had just paid ten dollars a yard for dress to wear to Carlton.
"That oughtn't to be too expensive," said papa. "You don't need more than a yard."
Mama answered that she was not going around town looking like wife of a poor man, and papa replied that poor men's wives were best-dressed women in Shanghai, as that was why husbands were poor.
May thirteenth
Had interesting ride in perambulator. Passed Hangkew Market and saw poultry man make dead ducks fat by blowing up at windpipe. Also saw fish-men painting fresh red gills on old-fashioned fish. Later had glimpse of family cook doing shopping. Glad I take my tiffins out of a bottle.
May thirteenth
Papa come home early and had busy time trying to get number on telephone. Mama told him he should be ashamed to swear in front of baby. "Turn the baby around," said papa.
"These gentlemen hello-girls make all the connections by absent treatment," papa remarked, after saying prayers. We're so used to not getting the number that if all the staff walked out on strike Shanghai people wouldn't know it until they read it in the paper. You stand about as much chance of getting the right number on a Shanghai telephone as you do in the Sweepstake."
Papa remarked later that people who wandered forty years in wilderness were probably trying to get the land of Canaan on the telephone.
"There weren't any telephones in Bible times," said mama.
"Of course there were," said papa. "Didn't you ever hear of the Book of Numbers?"
Central interrupted then to tell papa that line was engaged and also out of order. Amah carried me out in hurry.
May fourteenth
Pleasant day. Sat on porch while amah pulled out her front hair with string and patted pieces of black court plaster on forehead for headache. Papa came home for tiffin and Auntie asked him if he was going in for any kind of spring athletics.
"No," said papa. "I get plenty of exercise sprinting into the house after paying a ricsha coolie, so as to arrive ahead of the row. I used to be a shark at baseball, but I haven't any time to practice."
"You are still good at catching high-balls," said mama.
Papa said he was glad to hear mama admit that he was good at something. Rest of tiffin quiet except for soup.
Papa remarked later after finding coolie brushing bureau with silk shirt that he was sorry ratepayers wouldn't allow Municipal Council to build the $10,000 monkey-house in Jessfield Park, as he would like to contribute new upstairs coolie and might also be persuaded to part with house-boy.
May fourteenth
Had ride to Hongkew Park. No sign of Jap baby. Hope it is walking back to Japan.
May fifteenth
Nice day. Family excited because I said "Mama." Was really trying to say "Amah" but can't make family understand my language. Papa said that mama had better pay a little more attention to me when I begin to talk.
"What about my bridge parties?" asked mama.
"Teach the baby to score and then you can take him with you," said papa. "If he stays in the back of the house all the time, he will learn to swear in Chinese."
"Yes, and if he stays in the front of the house, he will learn to swear in English," said mama, looking at papa. Papa said that he guessed he had a right to say something when he found that houseboy had put flypaper in bureau drawer to keep moths away from golf-socks.
May fifteenth
Later - Sat on floor while family read paper.
Auntie asked meaning of "P.P.C." which she had seen in corner of friend's card.
"I've heard that it means 'Please Postpone Chits'," said mama. "I've also known cases where it stood for 'Payment Permanently Cancelled'," papa remarked.
Mama said family would have to send steamer present to friends and suggested basket of flowers.
"Yes," said papa. "People in a state-room so small that they have to sleep with their hats on because they have no place to put them always appreciate a basket of flowers. Besides, it is such a comfort when you have 31.1/2 pieces of hand luggage to have a kind friend rush up and make it 32.1/2."
Mama remarked that she might send box of candy, only friend would not appreciate it after the first day out. "I'll look around the house and try to find something that I don't use very often and wouldn't miss much," mama said.
"Why not send them the baby?"' papa inquired.
No more remarks about present. Papa said later that maybe friends would not appreciate family coming to see them off, as many people preferred to stay inside tender until it got too far away from jetty for shroffs to jump.
May sixteenth
Amah bought me new black rubber thing today. Thought I was getting chow, but found out it was bluff. Disappointed to find no connection. Wonder if they think they are really fooling me. Wouldn't hold it in Hongkew Park, as didn't want Jap baby to think I was being taken in.
May seventeenth
Pleasant weather. Auntie said this morning that Cyril had invited her to go to lecture on 'Theory of Relativity'.
"Do you know what that is? she asked mama.
"I don't know for certain, but I think it is about how to get along with your relatives,'' mama said.
Hope they all go. Maybe they'll learn more about getting along with Me.
May eighteenth
Had pleasant trip to Hongkew Park. Rubber thing fell out of perambulator. Hoped I had lost it, but amah picked it up again.
Flavor of Hongkew Park not as good as Public Garden. Later came home and watched amah's younger sister hand starch mama's white kid gloves.
May eighteenth
Later - Weather still good. Papa said he had to hurry at noon, as he and lawyer friend at club were going to look into important case that had just come up. Mama asked him if important case had just come up from cellar. Quiet tiffin.
May nineteenth
Bertie called this afternoon. Said he was sorry to have stayed away so long, but that he had sprained shoulder.
"Yes, I've heard she dances like that," said Auntie with ice-box expression.
Bertie pulled collar as face turned color of Jap baby's felt hat. Then asked Auntie why she went with Cyril person.
"There is nothing the matter with Cyril," said Auntie, tossing head. "He goes in the best society in Poo-tung."
Bertie asked Auntie what Cyril did for a living, and Auntie said she wasn't sure but thought he handled remittance department in some bank, as she had heard he was remittance man.
Bertie tried to hold Auntie with arm and Auntie said she would scream if he didn't stop. Tried to help by squalling to call family. Bertie pulled collar again and said he would have to go home. Went. Auntie said I was a pest and ought to be locked up in garret. Can't understand family. Guess I'll go to sleep with wooden elephant and make-believe chow.
CHAPTER 9
In Which the Baby is First Introduced to Mr. Henli Regatta ... Mama Brings Happiness to the American Navy ... The Baby Goes on Spree at Theater and Mah-Jongg Party ... Peanuts as an Infant Diet.
May twentieth
Too many clothes for weather. Wish amah would dress me like Auntie. Had nap upstairs while coolie tried mama's cold cream on complexion. Amah caught him. Told him he should be ashamed to take mama's things and that anyway she had seen bottle first. Coolie came back later and took drink of mama's florida water. Seemed very happy. Much Chinese music. Wish they'd let me have nap, as being baby in Shanghai is not easy job.
May twentieth
Auntie excited at tiffin, as black cat had crossed path. Asked papa if he believed in signs.
"Not in Shanghai," said papa. "I waited for fifteen minutes for a tram this morning at a place called a 'Request Stop.' Next time I'll send my request in five days in advance and get the seal of the Minister of Communications in Peking."
Auntie said she didn't mean that kind of signs, but wanted to know if black cat had any connection with bad luck. Papa said it often did, as he had caught cook's cat drinking cream several times and it had always meant bad luck for the cat.
Mama said that upstairs coolie had broken shaving mirror that morning, as he seemed excited and was working in hurry to go away to Chinese funeral. Papa said that if he wasn't more careful he would soon go to another one, only nobody would expect him to light joss sticks. No more conversation about coolie, as papa stopped to tell houseboy that though he was fond of soup, he didn't like it on collar-bone.
May twentieth
Later - Went out for jaunt in perambulator with amah. Amah very good chauffeur. Pushes ricsha coolies out of way with conversation. Saw Jap baby in front of bath-house and hoped He would get lots of soap in mouth. Later passed Auntie and girl friend, but was cut dead. Hate these social distinctions.
May twenty-first
Nice day. Auntie busy getting new clothes to wear Sunday when she goes to see somebody called Henli Regatta. Don't know Henli. Must be new friend.
Auntie said all ready-made clothes she had tried on fitted like an Underwood typewriter cover on a Corona.
Mama told her she should be careful not to speak of typewriters, as it wouldn't do to let Shanghai people know that she had had job in office of coal and feed store at home.
"I've been introducing you as somebody with money, and you ought to help out in the impression," mama said.
"Haven't I been trying to?" asked Auntie. "I write all my letters on Astor House stationery and when I am at a tea, I always call up on the telephone to find out why my car hasn't come."
Mama remarked that when next door girl said she couldn't bear to be dictated to, Auntie spilled beans by saying that she couldn't either, unless the boss spoke very slowly. Surprised to hear of Auntie spilling beans, as had never seen her in kitchen.
May twenty-first
Later - Papa came home for afternoon. Mama told him that if family was going to Tsingtao, he would have to go down to American Consulate and get a passport. "The trouble is that if I go to American Consulate, I'll also have to pay my income tax and I haven't seen anything coming in except shroffs," said papa. Mama remarked that it would probably be pretty hard for papa to figure up his income, and papa said no, it wouldn't, as all he would have to do would be to add up what mama had spent.
No more conversation for a while, but afterwards papa said that he would have to stay in town during part of summer and play tag with mosquitoes.
"I hope you'll promise not to take more than one cocktail at a time while we're away," mama remarked. Papa said that would be easy, as he always found it awkward to lift two glasses at once. It will be rather hard to take the baby up to Tsingtao," said mama.
"Why not put him in mothballs with the furs?" papa inquired. No answer from mama.
May twenty-first
Couldn't go to Hongkew this afternoon as park is busy holding sailors. Mama told papa that she was going to picnic and would bring enough food for five navy men. "You'd better hire half a dozen ricshas," said papa. "The cargo capacity of the American navy is the highest in the world."
Mama said she was taking macaroons and heart- shaped sandwiches, also mint candies. Papa remarked that on that diet, the U. S. Navy would soon be in shape to win a push-ball contest from Montenegro. Mama said that she hoped she would be asked to help decide male beauty contest, as she was a competent judge of handsome men.
"Yes," said papa. "You surely gave me a life sentence at hard labor."
Mama told papa that he had wrong impression and had probably gotten it by shaving in front of Auntie's picture of Francis Bushman since coolie broke mirror.
May twenty-second
Nobody home today. All gone to see Henli regatta. Family left in hurry this morning after Auntie changed dress four times and complexion twice. Auntie said she had put on medium tint, and papa said that described it, as it was certainly neither rare nor well done. Mama remarked that she lets her color come and go, and papa answered yes, that it comes on in the morning and goes off at night.
"It's too bad we didn't get an invitation to go on a houseboat," said mama.
Papa said that the boats were very crowded and that they would have had as much privacy as an elephant in zoo, also that he would probably be expected to sleep on hatch. Auntie finally said she was going to wear a fluffy summer girl's costume, and papa remarked that it would probably be all right as long as the fluffy summer didn't catch her in it.
Family went out at last and banged door, after Auntie came back twice to put more powder on nose and once to put perfume behind ear. Heard papa say that it was a shame to waste two good bottles on pickles but mama told him to stop talking and call a car.
"The kind of car this family is going to travel in passes the corner every five minutes without being called," said papa. Mama said that he was as tight with his money as Auntie's new shoes, but papa said that all he had left after buying railroad tickets was a dollar with copper filling and he was saving that for church.
May twenty-second
Pleasant day. Houseboy, cook, coolie, and relations having game on dining-room table with family's mah-jong set. Amah trying on papa's silk socks left by houseboy. Amah's sister making self useful by sewing china buttons on papa's dress shirt. Upstairs coolie enjoying florida water. Will probably have to squall to get chow.
May twenty-second
Had exciting time this afternoon, as after mahjong party everybody went to Chinese theater. Was taken by amah. Had interesting time trying to dodge hot towels thrown from aisles and empty water - melon seeds falling from gallery. Music combination of cook stepping on cat's tail and houseboy breaking dishes. Had seed candy and two peanuts. Had to swallow peanuts all in one piece as found that new teeth don't hit.
CHAPTER 10
In Which the Baby Hears Further Reports of Henli Regatta, Especially About Non-Washable Bathing Suits ... The Advantages of Bamboo Dragons Over Wooden Elephants ... Another Encounter with the Jap Baby.
May twenty-third
Nice day, but have funny feeling inside. Auntie busy putting talcum powder on sunburn. Said she saw Bertie at regatta and papa remarked that if he isn't careful they'll cancel his citizenship at the American Consulate for carrying a walking stick more than an inch in diameter.
"I don't know why he didn't row," said Auntie. "He has a wonderful build. I heard that he stands 5 feet 11 inches in his gym suit and weighs 150 pounds in his stocking feet."
Papa said that Bertie was probably like Jess Willard in being a champion heavy-weight from the neck down and a champion lightweight from the neck up.
Mama asked papa if he was glad he went to the regatta and he said yes, that he held four aces once and had a full house several times. "Is that all you got out of it?" asked mama.
"Well," said papa, "I used to wish I could go back for a time and buy a ticket for the Zeigfeld Follies, but after seeing the bathing suits at Henli, I've ceased to be homesick. The tailors who made them must have stolen enough material to buy outfits for the whole family. Most of them were as short as the love letters of a man with a sprained arm."
Auntie said she liked regatta very much, but didn't see why they had people to row when there was a man at the back of the boat to pull it along with strings.
May twenty-fourth
Not much doing today. Sat on floor during tiffin and heard mama ask papa if he would have a mango.
"Do I eat it?" asked papa, "I always thought the mango was a dance."
"You probably also thought that the papaia was something to play on the ukelele," said mama, with next-door girl expression.
Papa said that he might be ignorant, but at least he didn't tell lady from Japan that he hadn't gone to see the Daibutsu because he didn't like slumming. No answer from mama.
May twenty-fourth
Later - Still quiet today. Had pleasant time eating colored spots off bamboo dragon that family bought at Henli. Tried to make it teach wooden elephant how to switch tail, but wooden elephant wouldn't learn. Will take bamboo dragon to Hongkew Park this afternoon and try to throw scare into Jap baby.
May twenty-fifth
Pleasant weather. Missed taking bamboo dragon to Hongkew Park, as papa played with it so much that he broke switch in tail. Hope he doesn't get interested in my bottle. Would like to keep a few things to myself if possible, as Auntie has taken beauty-pins and amah is using talcum powder for complexion.
May twenty-fifth
Later - Mama busy getting ready for bridge party. Was fixing flowers when papa came home to tiffin.
"I've always heard that flowers in China don't smell," said mama, sniffing caterpillar on leaf.
"They're lucky," said papa, "Sometimes I wish I couldn't." Papa remarked that it was open season for onions on the Whangpoo and that fragrance was strong enough to win all events if only allowed in Far Eastern Olympic.
"The man who named the Garden Bridge must have had a bad cold," said papa.
"Maybe he was thinking of a vegetable garden," mama answered.
Papa said later that national air of China differed from that of other countries, as other countries expected people to stand up for national air, while that of China knocked people down.
May twenty-fifth
Sat on floor during tiffin, and tried to make friends with wooden elephant again, which was unhappy because of bamboo dragon. Mama said she was busy trying to figure out what to give for bridge prize, as she didn't want to spend money and yet wanted to be sure not to give anything she had won at house of some lady present.
"I think I'll pick out a couple of guest towels without initials," mama said.
"Guest towels were built on the assumption that guests have only half a hand and no face," said papa. "I don't know why a person visiting is supposed to need a towel only one-sixth as big as he uses at home. I always take half a dozen and use them in relays."
Mama said that size of guest towel didn't matter much, as stranger in bathroom always used family towels anyway and merely crumpled up guest towel for form. Manicure amah came just then and mama said she was very glad, as she needed new supply of gossip to entertain company.
May twenty-sixth
Had pleasant ride to Hongkew Park. Saw Jap baby and made face. Jap baby tried to turn up nose at me but couldn't as didn't have enough nose. Had interesting time watching bigger baby take walk in lake with goldfish, while amahs were busy telling about missees' new dresses. Nice day.
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