S.S. "CULVESTON",
Friday evening.

So! off at last for China; the land flowing with silk and money; the land of mystery and romance; populated with polite, pig-tailed people who are willing to pay for the inestimable benefits of modern civilization in hard cash. Not because they want modern civilization, but because they do not, and yet have realized that if one does not want what is termed civilization nowadays, one must be strong enough to decline it in a civilized manner, i.e., with a powerful army and navy and the most up-to-date engines for destroying life upon the largest scale so far invented; for experience has taught us that, with all, the only reliable way to preserve life at this stage of our development is to render oneself pre-eminent as a destroyer of the same.

It is really surprising how a comfortable feeling of strength helps a diplomatist to reason logically in order to prove that he is in the right. Besides, if he is wrong, it doesn't matter so much, does it?

China is not yet strong enough to throw a boot at any one who is trying to disturb her sleep.

Already we have taught the Chinese to value warships at our own estimate, and started them in the race for supremacy of armament; the winner of which-as he will tell you himself, even without being asked-has expended all the effort, brain-power, and money that have enabled him to win, in order to uphold his right to keep the universal piece.

I have always pictured China as a richly dowered widow of a certain age, whose education has been sadly neglected; and who is possessed of a naivete so free from self-consciousness that she not only can and does wipe her nose on her sleeve, but stoutly maintains that this is the correct thing to do.

Around her are the export travellers of various nations, loudly insisting that it is extremely bad form to dispense with handkerchiefs, and offering to sell her some at a reasonable price, with the essential points of the only true fourteen different religions printed on the box.

From all one hears of China, with her Civilization centuries old, one cannot help speculating as to whether, in the dim and distant past she progressed to such an advanced state of knowledge that she decided voluntarily to adopt Cicero's ideal of philosophical retirement and contemplation," which even I myself, although at least to some extent civilized, must own to a partiality for, especially when I should be at work. The fact that she has been long civilized is evidenced in her inordinate and unholy greed for money.

When I arrive in China I hope and trust I shall never meet a Chinaman who asks me why our women wear hobble skirts, and tight shoes with such high heels that they are able to walk no better than Chinese women before the anti-footbinding movement was instituted.

If I am asked any questions of this nature, I presume the only course open to me will be to smile, assume a superior air, and say, "Pooh! pooh! really, you know, you couldn't understand if I explained." This is the only answer I could give, and would at least have the merit of being true, because the questioner certainly could no understand if I did explain - no one could.

What a relief to know that the leave-taking is over, and that the voice of the sniffer is stilled! Women are all darlings, of course (each of them in her own particular way), but they can never be induced to forego an opportunity of weeping for the mere exhilaration of the thing; and if they have a really fetching sniff, no power on earth can induce them to muffle its plaintive note in a handkerchief of adequate size.

I must tell you about one of our passengers, who describes himself as a Southern American. It is interesting to note how he insists upon the distinction "South" when describing his birthplace. Many, many times I have noticed during an age when universal peace is being seriously considered as a feasibility - the bitter feeling that exists between men from the north and south of the same country, or even from adjacent towns. This is evidently the inherited lust for war that the none object of arbitration has to contend with, and which we see exemplified in football riots.

To digress further, for a moment, from the subject of our American, two of the engineers on this ship illustrate my meaning perfectly. It appears that the fact of their being bad friends is notorious, and in talking to one of them recently, the name of the other happened to crop up in conversation. Directly the name of the second was mentioned, the first surprised me by the bitterness of his comments upon his erstwhile companion's parentage, habits, appearance, and apparently irreclaimable depravity. At this I naturally pleaded for a little tolerance, in view of the fact that the individual in question was of the same nationality as my companion. Unfortunately, I used the words "he is a Scotchman like yourself." My friend's face immediately became suffused with a flush of anger.

Like myself?" he replied, with deadly calm; "like mysel'? d--- it, mon, d'ye no ken he cooms fra' Kirkealdy?

I admitted that I was unaware of the fact, and enquired as to the locality of his own birthplace.

"I'm fra' Grangemouth," and, favouring me with a glare of conviction that with that magic word he had dispensed with all necessity for explanation or excuse for argument, he stalked away with his head uptilted like a sergeant-major of the band in full regimentals.

I subsequently ascertained that these towns are nearly twenty-five miles apart; so that apparently there are still a few difficulties in the way of universal peace.

But to return to our American - I beg his pardon, South American - whose forceful personality pervades the entire ship like the smell of cooking in a cheap restaurant. Yesterday four of us were discussing Canada, and I had just ventured an opinion upon the subject in hand, when a voice like the bark of a big dog suddenly aroused exclaimed, "Hell!"; the long, snaky form of my American fellow-voyager undid itself from an adjacent deck-chair, and his face - which is lined like the entrance to Clapham Junction Station - made its terrifying appearance from under an enormous Panama hat.

He deliberately dragged his chair up alongside mine, utterly ignoring a deep groan to which one of my companions was impolite enough to give vent, and tapped me on the knee with a long, bony forefinger, having a knuckle about the same size as my knee, and which was attached to a typically Darwinian arm.

"Say," he said, "you was talking about Canada, eh?"

"When?" I enquired evasively.

"Why, just now."

"Well, yes," I admitted reluctantly; "but none of us professes to know much about it."

"Pooh!" he protested, with a deprecatory wave of the hand, "there aint no call to tell me that - I heard some. Now, d'you know who made Canada?"

"So far as my slight knowledge will allow me to venture an opinion, the Creator included it amongst His other work," I hazarded.

"Aha! there's where you run off the track Now you listen to me. I ain't talkin' about who started it; I asked who made it. See now, I ain't throwin' no bookays at myself when I tell you that if it hadn't been for us Americans it ud a stopped where the Creator left it. No, sir! Americans made Ganada what she is today. It was American farmers came in an' took up the finest of your Canadian wheatlands - which are the finest, an' they've got 'em today. That's Canadian land. Then there's manufactures. When our manufacturers went there first, your nesters [settlers] used to look at 'em side-ways; they didn't warnt to meet 'em no moren a yaller dawg, but flow! why, say I there's the glad hand stickin' out of every door. An' why? Simply because our manufacturers put tip factories to turn out goods to hit 'em where they lived at cheaper prices. No need to talk about the goods neither-there they were, an' the goods spoke for themselves."

"Canned meats?" enquired some silly ass.

"Canned hell! who wants canned meats ?

"Ah, who?" I interrupted.

"An' there ain't nothen wrong with our canned meats neither, let me tell you; the British War Office buys moren ever."

"British War Office?" we enquired in chorus.

"Yes."

"Do you know anything about our War Office?" some one enquired despondently.

"Nothen to speak of."

"Ah!" we all sighed dejectedly, as we rose in a body and left him.

As I want this letter to be posted in Algiers, which port we are rapidly approaching, I must now conclude, and with love to all at home, and my duty to yourself, subscribe myself,

S.S. "CULVESTON,"

Friday evening.

MY DEAR FATHER,

I do not propose to give you a description of Algiers, or, indeed, any of the ports at which we touch, as the same have been described by both abler exaggerators than myself who pay flying visits, and also, which is of far more importance, by people who have had time to study the various towns in question and have written them up thoroughly. Still, I think our method of studying the inhabitants was an excellent one. We sat outside one of the cafe's in the shade, drank cold Bock beer, and allowed the populace to walk past us in procession. Presumably every nationality in the world supplied a representative in national costume for our inspection, except perhaps the Esquimaux, so that we had an interesting and instructive time.

After sitting thus for half an hour, the American arrived with a guide-book, and we had to drive him away with lumps of sugar, but promised to let him tell us about the things he had seen when we returned on board.

Miss Snodgrass, the girl who was crying down my right sleeve as we left the docks, is keeping very fit, and does not appear to be affected by the heat. This is not the case with all the girls, however, one of whom is very fat, and the heat has given her skin the appearance of that of a bofled cow. Even her mother shuts her eyes when she kisses her daughter goodnight.

We also have a missionary on board, He is, at heart, a really good fellow, but so apologetic as to be a nuisance.

He apologizes whenever he walks within five yards of one, when he sits down, and when he gets up. He begged everybody's pardon for being seasick. Yesterday he 'apologized to a sailor who accidentally tripped him up with the bight of a rope. The flabbergasted sheliback, however, mistook his action for sarcasm, and shuffled away swearing lustily.

His wife is a dear little thing, but very timid, and I fear her life is hopelessly still. Yesterday three of us rounded her up in a corner of the deck and made her laugh till she writhed and emitted strange noises.

To see this weary-eyed, usually silent little thing rolled up in a ball, unable to open her eyes, which were streaming with tears, and occasionally gurgling "Ooo-oooo-oh, dooon't I would have made a man laugh in a dentist's chair.

Arbuthnot's story about the man who went to Covent Garden Ball arrayed in tin armour, and became accidentally "toxed" on account of having to drink whisky and soda by means of a straw passed through the slit in his helmet because he bad forgotten how to open the lid, made her scream; and when he came to the part where the reveller either fell or was pushed downstairs, and bent himself so badly that the joints of his armour refused to work, and his subsequent adventures whilst in that condition up to the time when he bad to be "opened" with a tin-opener, she gave in and squirmed till her hair came down.

What a subtly attractive sound is this unaffected, joyous music of a woman's laughter! To compare it to a peal of bells is a gross libel upon women in general that can be fully appreciated by any one who has lived near a church.

Whilst she was lying back in SL state of abject, shaking helplessness, her husband arrived, and looked at her over his spectacles with an expression of blank amazement. He said, "My dear! My dear!" at which she waved one arm wearily, replied "Ooo-oooh" and wagged her head.

Arbuthnot tried to clear the matter up by explaining that she had been telling us funny stories, which she strenuously tried to deny, but without avail.

When we left them together her husband was looking at her over his spectacles in a state of speechless bewilderment, and she was resting a hand on his arm and making mouths at him in her endeavours to explain, without, however, getting any further than "Oooo-oooo."

We have three more stories ready for her tomorrow, for we have registered a vow to alter the look in her eyes before she reaches Hong-kong and continues her disciplinary existence in continual dread of the world, the flesh, and the devil.

Personally, I have never met the devil, but, wrong though I may be, I must confess that I have never yet had occasion to find serious fault with either the world or the flesh.

If I were thoroughly disgruntled with both, however, I should keep quiet about it; for it is my firm belief that a man who goes about continually whining is of less use in the world than a nasty smell.

Nothing of sufficient importance to chronicle has occurred during the past three weeks, and I am afraid I shall have to carry you to China more quickly than I intended, for, to be candid, the sea air makes me as lazy as a man whose wife keeps a successful boarding-house, and talking to Miss Snodgrass is a far more interesting occupation than writing letters.

The trip has been most enjoyable, both the Captain-who, by the way, is alluded to as Longfellow because he stood on the bridge at midnight, and the chief steward, "Gravy" (short for Mr. Gray), being, as is usually the case on passenger ships, thoroughly good fellows.

The amount of irritating nonsense that captains and pursers of passenger steamers have to put up with is incredible, and they must be wonderfully gifted with politeness, cheerfulness, and good temper in order to get through the day without clubbing somebody to death. There is always an old gentleman amongst the passengers who has been used to having his newspaper warmed for him in the morning and his food exactly suited to his eccentricities and peculiarities, which latter have become petrified into changeless form by the flux of time. When the stewards serve him in accordance with the customs of the ship, he has great difficulty to prevent himself bursting out crying with rage. He storms and rants with senile decrepitude, uttering sophistical tirades in the cracked falsetto of dotish excitement. He is a nautical nuisance, who can be compared only with the spoiled child on a voyage, who cadges cakes and sweets of which he subsequently relieves himself with noisy renunciation during the night.

Again, there is the lady whose figure is far nearer perfection than her breeding, and whose physical attraction has transported her from Poplar to Park Lane. She alludes to servants as "menials," and "keeps them in their place," because the line of demarcation between her s&f and servility is so faintly defined that it requires continually pointing out; for she is aware that she herself escaped drudgery only, as it were, by the skin of her shoulders.

I find that I shall just have time to jot down my impressions on approaching Shanghai. The first tangible sign that one is getting into touch with that land of mystery, China, is the appearance of the coast shipping. We passed quite close to a large junk crowded with Chinese, and a stranger contrivance it is difficult to image. Picture a great, lumbering hull, roughly built of very heavy hewn logs. The body is shaped like a punt with the stem and stern raised high out of the water, and is fitted with heavy lee-boards.

This strange craft had five masts standing at varying angles out of the perpendicular, not one of them being fitted with stays or shrouds. Upon these masts were set very lofty rectangular sails, stretched upon cross battens of bamboo, presumably in order to prevent bellying, and controlled by dozens of cords, each one fastened to the after end of the sail battens. All of these cords were led together into a single rope before reaching the steersman's hand. The sides forming the freeboard are carried well aft of the transom and rudderhead. On each side of the bow is painted an eye, in order to enable the junk to see where she is going, and on the stern, gaudy pictures of weird and hideous dragons.

The repulsiveness of the latter must be designed to present the average Chinese countenance in a comparatively agreeable light. After examining the faces of several of the crew I was thankful that I saw the dragons first.

The man who was steering possessed a physiognomy that resembled the human face only vaguely. It was a kind of rude insinuation, or facial sneer aimed at the beauty of the human species. I can only describe it by saying that it would be utterly impossible for him to "make faces" at any one, this object being already attained for him by nature.

Nothing that could be done to that face would make it worse-not even if one skinned it. In a spirit of idle curiosity I tried to imagine slight alterations to this end, but found that nature, or the man's mother, or both combined, had, in one supreme effort, concentrated all the superrative ugliness the world has ever contained or imagined, and worked it into that one devoted visage, given it life, and let it go, so that the world might see to what lengths ugliness can reach when the mighty forces of nature are brought to bear with that one specific object, and thus encourage others to rest content with such beauty as bad fallen to their lot.

Miss Snodgrass suggested that perhaps he had been frightened at birth. If his mother bears any resemblance to himself, Miss Snodgrass is most probably correct in her surmise. I shall never call any one ugly again.

I next noticed what I took to be a yellow mud-hank ahead, but was informed by a resident of Shanghai, who had joined the ship at Hong-kong, that this was the river water. There is a distinct and dearly defined line which ebbs and flows with the tide, but never breaks up. This does not augur well for the drainage of a densely populated district.

Shanghai lies some distance up the Whangpoo River, which is broad, turbid, and unbeautiful. Anchored just inside the mouth of this muddy stream are several war junks, armed with a brass cannon apiece, resembling somewhat those used at the Battle of Trafalgar, after due allowance is made for the fact that they are not so modern. A Maxim gun in a Thames skiff would put one of these fighting machines out of action in two or three minutes.

Our vessel steamed quite close to one of the banks of the river, so that I could see the Chinese at work in their fields. The land is extremely fertile, intersected with creeks, and cultivated mostly in patches. Every foot is under either crops or corpses.

I have always been under the impression that the Chinese worship their ancestors, but fail to understand how any one can worship a man and use him for manure as well. Human remains are not buried; they are laid on the surface and sometimes, but not always, covered with earth. I saw several coffins covered with straw only.

The land on each side of the river lies perfectly flat, and very little above water-level. As one approaches Shanghai the banks on each side are lined with wharves and warehouses until the Bund is reached.

The Bund consists of a fine road parallel to the river, and upon the waterside of this thoroughfare a succession of lawns is laid out, having a public garden with bandstand at the approach end. On the opposite bank are more wharves and a factory or two. Adjoining the foreign settlements and further up the river is the walled Native City. All these things, and more also, will I describe to thee later, when I have seen them properly.

Whilst I was waiting to go ashore, a China-man with a face like a rag doll that has been left out in the garden in the rain came up to me and said:-

"You wanchee catchee Shanghai money? suppose you wanchee, my can do."

"I beg your pardon?" I replied, unable to make. out his meaning.

He looked at me patiently, and explained: "Suppose you go shoreside, follin money alle-same no use. You pay my follin money, my pay you China money all plopper. Can?"

"Can what?" I enquired. "Why on earth don't you talk longhand?"

"Parlez-vous Flancay?" he enquired, taking something out of his ear, which upon examination I discovered to be a printed paper giving the rates of money exchange, which I could make nothing of, but deducted that he wished me to exchange "follin" money for Chinese.

Then it occurred to me that this hollow-chested, disreputable yellow degenerate, with a dirty scalp and a pair of pants the seat of which flapped about his knees, not only had the right to call, but actually was calling me a foreigner, and it was borne in upon me that I was indeed a stranger in a strange land.

I afterwards discovered that I had been paid sixty cents short, and had received two brass dollars and four bad twenty-cent pieces. The worst aspect of the affair is that I shall never be able to recognize the animal again, because all Chinese are exactly alike, except the steers-man I saw in the junk as we came in.

Will write you more fully when I am settled down ashore.

MRS. TIMM'S BOARDING HOUSE,
BUBBLING WELL, SHANGHAI,
Friday evening.

MY DEAR FATHER,

I arrived in Shanghai on the 4th Inst., and am staying at the above address, or, rather, I take my meals here. It would be untrue to say that I sleep here, because I have only lain down at night and scratched myself so far, but hope for the best, as I have ordered a new mosquito curtain.

I find that it is necessary to have a mosquito curtain with a small mesh. My old curtain had a large mesh, through which the hungry pests could easily obtain access to the cuticle of the would-be sleeper; the result of which was inflammation and profanity.

Having stolen what little nourishment I have been able to obtain from a boarding-house diet, the mosquito, with its paunch distended at any expense, was unable to pass out again.

Here everything is very, very strange as to customs, and even language, into which latter many words are introduced that one never hears round about Roehampton. For instance, the local inhabitants call a person who has not had time to have his constitution destroyed by the climate, his stomach ruined by the food, and his good temper utterly spoiled by Chinese servants, a "griffin." Although they affect to despise any such, one can see that they have a sneaking regard for the newcomer, who is as yet free from the awful disabilities under which they themselves suffer.

Do not think I am decrying the local residents, as this is the last thing I would do, even if only from a feeling of pity; for who could suffer as these poor people do and be amiable? Consider the conditions-mosquitoes that are capable of thought and ingenuity, and that possess bodies as large as snipe; thermometer 1020 in the shade; a very limited and poor diet on account of the fact that each and every article of food, except haricot beans, places one in imminent danger of a distinct complaint peculiar to itself; constant and unremitting drenching with Carlsbad salts (which sell more readily than piece goods), and servants possessed of an inherited guile, improved and perfected through thousands of generations, combined with the bland, shameless mendacity that one usually associates only with the vendor of a rubber plantation.

As if this state of affairs were not bad enough, there are quite a number of Scotchmen settled here, who, as is almost invariably the case, thrive, because they drink nothing but whisky (which is safer than the water), and, having survived a draughty, blue-nosed upbringing in the Land 0' Cakes, can stand anything in the way of climate and food; further, the mosquitoes (being, as I said before, intelligent) do not bite them, because their skins are so hairy and tough, They are in great demand as managers of businesses and superintendents of shipping lines, because they never give anything away, even to their relations.

Ladies are very scarce, and are spoiled, as a natural result; probably on account of the fact that the unmarried ones receive, so I am informed, an average of four proposals a week. As they never accept any one with less than 400 taels per month (which expression I will explain later) and a relation on the Board of Directors or in the firm, as the case 'nay be, they acquire, from the habit of continually rejecting suitors, a kind of "Wha' for?" expression of countenance, which is very disconcerting to a stranger, and makes one get off the pavement when they approach, even if there is plenty of room.

After they are married, however, they become quite nice, especially to any one who is a member of the Country Club, and who has a motor-car or a houseboat and a lot of discretion, coupkd with a placid temperament.

I am of opinion that the tael is retained as a method of calculating payment and receipt by the Chinese principally on account of the fact that it does not actually exist, and in consequence cannot be faked or counterfeited. Anything that does exist is imitated, adulterated, and otherwise used as a method of deception by nearly every Chinaman over three years of age.

Money goes further here than anywhere else in the world. My salary this month is out of sight already, but the "compradores" (native cashiers) are always willing to advance anything one requires by paying one's bills, because they are so adept at working out the exchange and getting commissions on accounts paid.

The town is not at present prosperous, and one reason for the bad times now existing is that the Chinese cheat the foreigners in every conceivable way, and also in every inconceivable way, and if caught, which is seldom, are fined $5, or get a week's imprisonment and immediate re-employment on release Even in prison they are generally better off than out of it. The penalty is so small that they consider the reward well worth the risk, corporal punishment being now abolished.

Should a foreigner, however, be discovered trying to cheat a Chinaman, he is awarded a long term of imprisonment which means ruin, of course; and if he happens to be a German, an American, or a Britisher, he is lucky to escape with his life.

This remark does not apply to promoters of rotten companies, for whom, as you are aware, no adequate punishment can be designed until the advance of science enables our legislators to administer a severer correction than the death penalty.

This muddled state of affairs is principally owing to the fact that all Chinese have to be tried at a place called the Mixed Court, which title it has acquired because everything about it is so mixed up that no one understands what to do.

Any Chinaman can bring a suit against a foreigner before that foreigner's Judge or Consul, but in cases where a foreigner has an action to bring against a Chinaman his only resort is the Mixed Court. The Mixed Court is designed to form a happy medium between the law of nations and the abominable, muddle-headed corruption of China. In this Court sit a foreign assessor of the same nationality as the foreign litigant whose case is down for hearing, and the Mixed Court Magistrate, a Chinaman, who is chosen by the native authorities on account of his uncompromising Chineseness. The judgment of these two arbitrators must coincide, and the time of the Court is mostly taken up by the Chinese Magistrate's efforts to make the foreign assessor's judgment coincide with his own. This can never happen until China has an army and navy sufficiently strong to make the Powers see the force of her arguments, whether they are reasonable or the reverse. Chinese arguments being usually the reverse, her only hope of getting the better of a discussion is by force, even as we did in the days of those persuasive debaters. Raleigh, Drake, Clive, Phip and Dampier.

The Germans, Americans, and British consider it their duty to administer justice tempered with mercy, not to say generosity, to the man who is lodging a complaint against any of their nationals, a diplomatic arrangement of which the wisdom is apparent to all-who happen to live at home. As the Chinese idea would appear to most distinctly favour their own nationals in the Mixed Court, the whole arrangement is a hopeless failure, and - like every other hesitating concession of a higher civilization to a lower-obstructive to advancement by reason of the activity of opposing forces.

The continual bickering and disputes which charructenze the procedure at this Court culminated in a riot some five years ago, and one incident occurred which goes to prove that there is humour even in riots.

Many of the volunteers were stationed at the Country Club, and one citizen soldier showed such keenness to get to work that his eagerness was the cause of some speculation. when questioned as to whether be had any especial cause to desire wholesale slaughter, be replied, "Oh, no, it's not that exactly, but if they will riot I'm going to look for my Chinese tailor. I owe him $160."

The Japanese is the only foreigner who can indulge in a misdemeanour with impunity, as in his case drunkenness and an assault on the police are only punished by a severe caution and perhaps $1 fine.

A Japanese once explained to me that the reason of their leniency is because they are such a kind-hearted race that they cannot bear to see anyone suffer, but I feel sure he was only referring to his own race, as in spite of the fact that a Jap goes practically unpunished for assault here, even if committed on the police whilst on duty, if a foreigner in Japan hits a Japanese, the punishment is invariably imprisonment without the option of a fine, and a long imprisonment at that.

This is on a par with the open-door policy as applied to their recently annexed territory; the door is wide open, but it is so small that only a Jap can pass in.

Not that I have a word to say against the Japs, for nothing could be farther from my intention, but they do love themselves with such an all-absorbing passion that they have no sentiment to spare for other races.

I will bear in mind what you say about saving money, so soon as I get any material to work with; meantime, if you have a couple of racing saddles to spare, with weight cloths, please send them along.

Having only just time to catch the mail, I must now conclude, and, with love and duty to mother and all at home, subscribe myself, Your dutiful son,

JIM

79, BUBBLING WELL CRESCENT, SHANGHAI,

Friday evening.

You will notice that I have left Mrs. Timm's Boarding Establishment. I could hardly do otherwise, for she was extremely rude to me on Friday evening at dinner, just because I told the "boy" to serve my soup after the fruit, in a finger bowl. This at twelve pounds sterling a month with extras. Oh, shades of the Cecil and Savoy! Gastronomic memories of the Berkley and Prince's bring tears of useless longing to my eyes, till I can barely see to capture the elusive haricot bean which is daily fed to me because it is safe. And yet the variety of foods offered to and consumed by such as are acclimatized is positively bewildering, for one sees the "old hands," whose stomachs are presumably too far gone to be capable of revolt, eating sauerkraut, raw meat, frogs, and canned snails.

The choice of liquids is limitless. I was introduced to a man yesterday who, in a moment of expansion, told me that the doctor had ordered him off wine, whisky, and beer. In reply to my solicitous inquiry as to whether the abstinence affected his health adversely, he smilingly informed me that he never felt better in his life; which happy state of affairs he attributed to vodka, schnapps, and absinthe, none of which his medical man had even mentioned.

The local Health Office issues a printed set of rules-which deserve far more attention than they receive-aimed at the prevention of such diseases as are contracted through the digestive tract-nudis verb is, to prevent your swallowing live germs in food or liquids. Admonition is directed principally toward cleanliness, and advice is given to avoid eating or drinking anything that has not been recently cooked or otherwise sterilized.

The latter advice is generally followed, especially by the proprietors of boarding-houses and hotels, in many of which one is offered food that has been cooked half a dozen times, without taking the curry into account at all.

There is still an apparently insurmountable difficulty in the way of cleanliness, however, and that is the regrettable fact that one is not-in the present state of the law-allowed to boil or otherwise sterilize the cook; who, judging from a passing glimpse I had of ours, is in far greater need of the process than is the food. Of course, one can show the cook any amount of new ways of cooking, but, left to his own initiative, his menu will follow an orderly and changekas round. It is only by changing one's hotel, boarding-house, or restaurant that one achieves variety. The cook at the Shanghai Club had, for many years, included "roast beef and York-shire pudding" amongst his dishes. One day he was told to change this to roast beef and horse-radish sauce, but, although forced to make the change, big innate conservatism prompted him to name the dish in the menu "Roast Beef and Horseradishire Sauce."

Chinese methods of farming and feeding animals, or rather, letting animals feed, are so, let us say, primitive that many residents grow their own vegetables and keep their own poultry and pigs for hygienic reasons, but lose them when they are ready to eat, for Chinese reasons. When poultry is ready for the tame the birds are invariably stolen, so that the owner has to buy in the market after all. His Chinese servants knew this would happen all along.

If one keeps a coolie to look after the fowls, they gradually "die." If the coolie happens to be short of money, their death-rate assumes alarming proportions.

Another surprise in store for the poultry fancier is the astounding fact that a young, plump pullet can grow old-horribly old-during a single night. This tragedy occurs most frequently during dark nights, when one is out to dinner. A similar fate befell a handsome young cockerel of mine recently. I called the coolie, and pointing to the ancient, disreputable bird which stood blinking his weary old eyes at me, inquired in the vernacular "What thing?" which is the form generally used here by any one desiring an explanation. The coolie looked at me sadly, shook his head, sighed despondently, and replied:

"I think so he belong sick."

Now, if that coolie had blushed, if be had looked away in shame even, a reply might be possible; but when a man, whom you could no more punch than you could punch a woman, gives you an answer like that, with a look of conscious virtue and deep sympathy, what can you do? There is only one thing to do, of course, and that is to give up keeping fowls - as I did.

Keeping pigs is also an expensive process, because the coolie's family has greater need of the pig's food and far better chance of getting it than the animals themselves.

I know a man who kept four pigs for nearly ten days, but three "died," and his wife made a pet of the one remaining because it used to follow her about like a dog. She did not know that this habit was acquired because the poor beast was hungry, so she tied a piece of blue ribbon round its neck and called it Maud, because it was always coming into the garden Soon after Maud had a litter-of two. When the owner expressed surprise at their scant number, the coolie attributed her debility to the hot weather.

Naturally, you people at borne well have several theories to advance with a view to improvement. You will wonder why one doesn't get rid of the coolie. The answer is simple. If one dismisses the coolie one has to engage another-and the new man is invariably worse. Again, one has ascertained and guarded against probably twenty-four methods of stealing practised by the old coolie, whereas the new servant will have twenty-four devices that are quite new to one; and further, when one sends away a domestic here, a goodly proportion of one's belongings go with him. The articles chosen are such as are not in everyday use. He will take your winter underclothes in the summer, your summer garments in the winter, and so on.

The habit of dismissing servants has another danger in the fact that once dismissed your "boy" disappears entirely, but the loss of everything afterwards stolen is debited to his account by the other servants, who take this opportunity of stealing more and charging the crime to the absent one.

A question of general importance now engaging our attention is: What is to be the effect of the abolition of public opium-smoking? The only way we can judge as to whether the curse is undergoing abatement is by keeping a tally of the amount consumed both in public and private, especially the latter; then, when results are known we can decide as to whether we are having our Indian leg pulled.

There can be no doubt that the prohibition is being seriously taken h hand, and is to some extent effective, so far as Indian opium is concerned. This points to two conclusions-firstly, that China can reform, and secondly, that she will-in every case where foreigners are exploiting her vices or corrupt practices for their own benefit.

Where the official classes are gathering the loot, to say nothing of that cogent individual the Chief Eunuch, the opposition to reform is so intricately interwoven through the entire body politic that the threads must be withdrawn one by one.

The worst aspect of the affair, however, is that when these threads are withdrawn there will remain only the place where the fabric used to be.

There is still another interesting phase of the "reduction" in opium-growing of which you will, in all probability, not have heard, which is as follows: Only about one farmer in a hundred is an opium farmer. The Government introduced a rule that no farmer is allowed, from a certain date, to grow more than 10 per cent. opium on his land. The wily opium farmer, however, is not downcast; he simply arranges with nine other farmers, who never before grew opium in their lives, to give him 10 per cent of their land for the cultivation of the poppy, whilst he, in return, grows a corresponding patch of beans on his own farm in exchange.

The opium thus grown is sent down country in the following manner. There are, as you may know, three kinds of beans grown largely in the opium districts, viz., yellow, red, and black. Opium used to be made up and transported in balls. Now, however, the opium farmer makes it up into cakes of the same size and shape as a black bean cake, plasters it over with black beans, broken pieces, and dust, and lo! there is a cake of opium passing through that defies detection from a black bean cake, and every-body is happy but the Indian opium exporter.

Moreover, the prohibition has been the cause of several riots, rioting being the Chinese method of voting against a measure of which they do not approve. It is a ballot by bamboo, or referendum by rifle. Immediately dissatisfaction manifests itself, there appear the professional thieves and looters, who live by robbery alone. These men, working in gangs, inflame the people by violent speeches. Immediately law and order are deposed they carry out their prearranged plan of looting the most valuable goods in the district, leaving the rioters to be shot or captured as chance may decide. Long before serious danger threatens, however, these pests are out of the danger-zone with their loot and are laying their plans for further rapine.

Nothing could give the professional plunderer a better weapon to stir up a conflict with authority than the Opium Edict. Both the farmers, who are thus deprived of an immensely profitable crop, and the smokers, whose craving remains unsatisfied - being ignorant and desperate - are not only willing but anxious to seize any violent means the adoption of which shows promise of enabling them to resume the vicious habit.

In the case of one riot which recently arose owing to the prohibition of opium-growing, the local magistrate sent his runners to a certain farm with instructions to destroy the crop. Immediately they had succeeded in, their objective the farmer collected some of his sporting friends and destroyed the runners, after which the avengers advanced on the Yamen and set about the task of destroying the magistrate ?0.

This official thereupon crawled under the bed and sent a message out to the effect that if it was opium that they wished to grow, he, personally, would be the very last person in the world to put the least obstruction in the way of that profitable and most excellent industry; further explaining that he had destroyed the crop because he was under the impression that the farmer wished it to be destroyed, and had only sent the runners to lend a hand, or words to that effect.

I do not profess to know the exact circumstances of this particular case, but should have liked an opportunity of laying a small bet that if that farmer had paid the runners a few dollars there would have been no destruction of the crop and no riot.

Investigators can, by travelling along the railways, convince themselves that poppy cultivation has practically ceased-along the railways. Let them investigate along unbeaten tracks, however, and they will alter their opinions, and probably find an explanation of the enormous supply of opium that lies stored in Shanghai alone even now.

One effect of the new regulations is that the coolie class is indulging in smoking cheap cigarettes in continually increasing quantities, and as these cigarettes, when alight, smell like somebody standing too close to the fire, I am of opinion that they cannot be considered as a healthy substitute.

The thermometer registered 102 degrees in the Hongkew Police Station last week (which is true, because the police say so), and this sultry weather makes it very difficult for the ladies to decide how to dress.

Some of them perspire and some of them chance it.

I do not know if the hot weather brings them out more than the cold, but one certainly sees more of them in the summer.

One lady I met last night was intermittently attired in an X-ray costume of such heroic daring that I was rendered so nervous as to be unable to talk rationally, with the result that once in my confusion I fell over a chair. She laughed so heartily at my accident that something gave way. What it was, I do not know, as I fled in terror directly I heard it go-inexcusably rude of me, I know, but then, what could I do? For aught I knew to the contrary it might have been even more rude to stay!

I note your remarks about joining a Club for social intercourse, but there is not one suitable; the nearest thing of the kind being the Shanghai Club, to which all the taipans belong, which renders it undesirable, as I don't care about mixing with taipans; they get on my nerves.

However, I was forgetting: you do not know what a taipan is. A taipan, let me explain, is a red-faced man (the redder the face, the taipanner the taipan) who has either sufficient brains or bluff to make others work for hint and yet retain the kudos and the bulk of the spoil himself. He is invariably "in Atvith the Chinese," and generally has a peculiar habit of pressing the thumb of the right hand against the index finger, which seems to be a secret sign, though I have not yet discovered what it means.

In short, taipan is lingua franca for "head of the firm."

I do not contend for one moment, that the fact of a man having a red face means. that he has led a fiery life; for the rosy tint may be acquired by exposure to the sun and wind, or may be caused by a bad digestion. I merely comment on the remarkable fact that all taipans are red-faced men, and one can approximately assess their individual incomes by the shade. Neither has this facial colour scheme any connection with blushing, for taipans never blush, even when they rise at an annual meeting of share-holders for the fifth time and explain that the glorious prospects to which they drew attention at every previous meeting require pointing out yet once again, because they have receded so far into the dim distance that shareholders with ordinary eyesight cannot make them out at all.

To revert to the subject of social clubs, however, Shanghai is well provided. So far I have discovered the Masonic Club, open only to the members of that mysterious brotherhood whose ambition would appear to be passing through arches; the Junior Club, German Club, American Club, French Club, Italian Club, Portuguese Club, Country Club - which latter is run by masculine women and paid for by nice men with pink cheeks and long, silky eye-lashes - and finally the Ward Road Athletic and Social Club, commonly known as the "Spartans."

The last-named has, however, died an heroic death, owing to the fact that the members could not retain the services of either a medical man or a committee for a longer period than one week. It appears that one of their regulations was to the effect that any member must be prepared to get up and box four rounds at any hour during the night. If it was decided that a certain member was becoming slack, or soft, and not taking sufficient exercise, the committee would advance on his house in a body at about 3 a.m. with a set of boxing gloves, turn him out of bed, clear the room, and insist upon his doing his duty for the sake of his health and the reputation of the Club.

Everything ran smoothly till the committee visited a certain member who had changed. his room without notifying the secretary. The new tenant was a six-foot Irishman, who, as luck would have it, had just sought repose after a somewhat wild evening; and, although he appeared to be quite unacquainted with either the rules or the art of boxing, the way he could handle a footbath was a revelation which so deeply impressed the visitors that the flub could never again get a committee to serve.

As it is getting late, I must now conclude, with love to all from

79, BUBBLING WELL CRESCENT, SHANGHAI,
Friday evening.

MY DEAR FATHER,

Since writing you last week, the "harem" skirt has made its comic, baggy appearance in Shanghai. People tell me that it will not become a popular fashion, but personally I incline to the belief that women who have legs which a cattle-dealer would describe as "beef to the heel', will fight for its retention with the hysterical courage born of despair.

The average woman, however, whose symmetrical limbs are the chief, if not the only relief to the dismal prospect of a muddy city street on a rainy day, will, I hope and trust, dismiss the horrible thing to the housekeeper's department with the curt command "Dusters."

Moreover, if this sartorial buffoonery is not quickly suppressed such husbands as are of a selfish or nepotic disposition will insist upon its permanent retention; a calamity that will be deeply deplored by the large class of bachelors, and also the still larger class who would like to be.

If women must have novelty in dress, or feel dissatisfied with the natural shape of their bodies, why not design a sensible costume? This would be breaking new ground, as the attempt has never been made since the days of ancient Greece; but the raiment must stimulate man's idealistic imagination, not smother it in the forbidding folds of a "harem" skirt.

As a direct result of the first appearance of the dress here, two policemen went to hospital, one fainted (he was Scotch), and the other ruptured a blood-vessel laughing (he was Irish).

I have frequently wondered why women are ridiculed for spending so much time and thought upon dress. To one who has seen and appreciated the delightful attraction of a citic bathing costume at Ostend, and also groaned in spirit at a pretty girl, who otherwise appeared sane, inviting the unspeakable anathemas of the artistic temperament by offending nature in a Nue serge, shapeless garment trimmed with washed-out yellow braid, this attitude is inexplicable.

Personally, I would, as a married man, cheerfully spend half my income, should such expenditure be necessary, in order to avoid the unutterable horror of a wife clothed in flannelette; for the only good point about this abominable, clammy, soul-destroying material appears to consist in its highly inflammable character. Who invented the stuff I know not. Perhaps its inventor has benefited the human race, because practically everybody you meet seems to consider it his or her duty to go about clothed-except the women who wear openwork-and the stuff is cheap; but the villain who dyes the greater part of it a deep, bilious, disgusting pink, like cheap sweets, and sells it to innocent women who don't know any better, should be placed under restraint and forced to work for the State for seven years.

You asked me in your last letter some questions about the Society of the place. Now, I must impress upon you the fact that "society," like morals and whisky, is a vague, unstable term, used with totally different meanings, which vary with the latitude and longitude; and you, being so fortunate as to belong to our family; will have the requisite intelligence to realize this. Wherefore I must tell you, that upon receipt of your letter I set forth to ascertain to which species Shanghai Society belongs.

Following the advice of the Fashionable Intelligence Editor of the local society paper, I made direct for the Avenue Paul Brunat, which, by the way, is the residential district where such local architects as are of a humorous temperament erect brick and stone jokes in proof of the fact, and then drive their friends out that way in order to enjoy a good laugh.

In this architectural wonderland lives by far the better half of a prominent taipan, with whom I am slightly acquainted; that is to say, as slightly as I have been able to manage. As this lady is reputed to be a leader of fashion, I decided to interview her upon the subject of Society.

After awaiting the departure of two ladies who were petitioning for an increase of salary for their respective husbands, I was shown in, and upon explaining my business was allowed to sit on a hassock at her feet and listen.

I could at once see she was a Society lady, because she used paint, and yet was quite respectable, on very, very nearly so.

She informed me that her husband was out, and after tendering my congratulations on that fortunate happening, we proceeded to discuss the object of my visit.

In effect, she explained that Society proper in Shanghai consisted of herself and another lady who had gone home for the hot weather.

Her beautifully executed eyebrows soared upward like the wings of a bird, and settled in her hair.

"Of course, there are people who, I am given to understand, live in the Bubbling Well district, but really, you know - er - may I give you another cup of tea?"

Hastily apologizing for this gaucherie, I left to procure further knowledge.

In the course of five days I learned of sixty-four other cliques, mainly consisting of one family, or at most two, not one of whom knows the others officially.

The only conclusion the griffin can reach in these circumstances is, that it is very difficult to get into Society in Shanghai because there isn't any; and that anybody with social ambitions must make his or her own. Judging from what I saw of it, it would be a far more interesting occupation to keep rabbits.

In the line of amusements we are fortunate in the possession of a very comfortable and well-designed theatre, at which one or two touring companies show, as also do our own Amateur Dramatic Club and the French A.D.C.

The amateurs put up a really excellent performance, and the town is under a deep obligation to these painstaking and really clever people. The "small part" actors also deserve gratitude which is frequently reserved only for the leads. A man who has to take the part of the villagers, and whose opportunity for achieving a histrionic triumph consists in the line "Three cheers for the squoire! 'Ooray! 'Ooray! 'Ooray!" is, in my opinion, little less than a hero.

We also have several kinematograph shows, which provide us 'with astigmatic representations of various small boys weeping over their mothers' graves, and refusing to be comforted even by depressing fathers with cotton-wool eye-brows, whose method of administering consolation to their leaking offspring consists in laying a hand on their bowed heads and sobbing as if indulging in a course of Mr. Sandow's exercises for development of the chest.

These films, which are described as containing a "heart interest," in actual fact merely hold a thousand candle-power lamp to the blue devils. As, however, all our flickergraph halls are fitted with a bar, the object of displaying these melancholy films may be to drive the audience to drink at thirty cents per drink; for I presume there are many more who, like myself, cannot bear them, and in consequence seek refuge in a ninety cent doze on those occasions when we are doing escort duty.

Why morbid people who can attend, free of cost, a real funeral in the open air, and one which does not stagger about on a quivering churchyard, should visit a kinematograph show where the proprietors exhibit these depressing films I fail to understand.

Science is undoubtedly making great strides, but treads on art at every step.

And now there is talk of combining this debauch of deformity, this inelegant eyesore, with the scream-language of the gramophone.

When our pretty cousin of the future insists upon being taken to a "show" of this type, we shall be obliged to watch in profane silence whilst a palsied gentleman with the blind staggers makes love to a quaking maiden, and listen to his metallic, agonized yelp: "Phyllis! Phyllis! O-o-o-er, Phyllis, I lo-o-o-ove you." In his excited efforts to grave his "lines" deep in the receiving record the "lo-ove" will sound like the wail of a lost soul at 330 Fahr. on a wet night. That is, unless some one amongst the audience who is artistically inclined sneaks round behind and brains the operator with a chair, trusting to the great provocation to weigh with the jury, or to the plea - as I read somewhere that a prisoner recently did plead, under similar circumstance that he was merely exterminating vermin.

The Chinese have recently erected a semiforeign theatre. A few days ago I attended one of the performances, which ran from 8 p.m. to 1 a.m. I ran at 10 p.m. As you are aware, the old Chinese theatrical performance was a very primitive affair-deficient in scenic effects. Not so the new development. As we entered, a storm at sea was being represented on a modern, well-lit stage. The waves were coolies on their hands and knees under a blue-green cloth. The bow of a battleship entered from the o.p. side, lit up by red fire. The magazine exploded (Chinese crackers). The crew seized lifebelts and jumped overboard, doing considerable execution amongst the "waves." Enter another ship to the rescue. The Admiral who jumped from the sinking vessel wore a Field-Marshal's hat and "slashed" coat and trousers of a material similar to that forming a gentleman's sleeves in the days of Good Queen Bess. He rescued a foreign lady, dressed in a motor veil and a costume of bright pink and blue. The scene changes to a hospital, and coolies carry in the rescued. All, however, have in the meantime been arrested, possibly for attempted suicide, and the police who guard them are armed with "Daisy" air-guns and dressed in a job-line of cricketing blazers and caps. A foreign ambassador with an enormous red nose is concerned in the plot somehow, and he wears a red sash over the shoulder, six medals, a frockcoat with gold epaulettes, a top-hat, and an ordinary elastic cricketing belt! Of course, the Chinese are born actors, and the acting itself was perfect-but the costumes!

SHANGHAI,
Friday evening.

MY DEAR FATHER,

The weather is still very hot here, and I am beginning to feel the effects of it, and, I fear, show them. Anyhow, my "run down" appearance has been noticed by a friend named Brown, who is the owner of a fine houseboat. In the kindness of his heart, he invited me to go away for a week-end in the country and recuperate.

Having accepted, four of us started away last Saturday to a place known as the Hills, accompanied by a dog, the kind they call a chow dog, which name the beast justified by smelling out and eating a three-pound joint of beef that we were keeping for Sunday tiffin.

These houseboats are large, roomy affairs, their clumsiness being amply compensated for by their comfort, and they are eminently suitable for the creek and river work for which they are constructed. They are propelled by sail and "yuloh."

To request me to describe a yuloh, however, is-like asking for a description of many other Chinese survivals that have never been introduced into Europe-setting me a task difficult to perform.

The method of using a yuloh is similar to that employed by fishermen to propel a small boat with one oar over the stern, known as sculling or "wangling"; but when one sees the oar one realizes that the Chinese mind is capable of the most recondite reasoning.

The yuloh is a long oar with about three feet of the handle bent down from the plane of the blade, which latter is feathered down from the centre ridge with one flange larger than the other. At the point of fulcrum is a little hollow or socket, made to receive a pin witb a broad head like the round end of a bolt, and to the inboard end or handle of the yuloh is attached a line about four feet six inches long, which is fastened down to the decic.

The boatman rests the yuloh on the pin, grasps the line with one hand and the yuloh with the other, gives a peculiar swing to his body in order to concentrate practically all his force on the rope, which is now strained taut, and-Presto! you are wriggling through the water at a surprising rate by means of a perfect system of applied mechanics that was in use probably many centuries before Noah went into the salvage business.

One should be very careful in arranging these houseboat trips, if ours was a characteristic example; for soon after leaving Siccawei a drink was suggested, and the boy was called to open the bottles. Glasses were distributed, bottles of beer produced, and the order given to the boy "Makee open."

The boy looked uncomfortable.

"Makee open," we roared in chorus.

"Corkscrew no got," says the boy with a bland smile.

"How fashion no got?" screams Brown, with a catch in his voice.

"My no savvy," replies the boy indignantly; "master no talkee wantchee corkscrew."

Brown tries hard to think of a suitable remark, but there isn't one, so he becomes inarticulate.

Never mind," exclaims some one, "give me some chow water."

"Chow water!" yells Brown.

"Chow water kong have makee break," replies the boy.

"How fashion makee break?" says Brown quietly, with a glitter in his eye, edging toward the boy.

"My no savvy," comes the reply from the boy as he feels for the door, keeping his eye on Brown, "I think so coolie ?

Here Brown springs, but we catch him in mid-air and sit on him.

So soon as Brown regained his composure, we sat down to discuss the situation, and had just decided to make a corkscrew out of wire and sup off beer, sardines, raw eggs, and jain, when our ears were assailed by blood-curdling yells and screams that made me think we were being attacked by pirates.

When this deafening din was at its height, there came a splintering crash, and the bow of a native cargo-boat rammed through the window by which I was sitting and hit me in the back of the neck.

Through the opening thus made in the boat's side was now borne in upon the evening breeze the most searching, heartrending, and altogether astounding stench that I have ever been introduced to in any part of the world.

Rushing on deck, half dazed by the shouting and giddy from that poisonous smell, we found the laodah of our houseboat and all the coolies hanging on for dear life to a native boat loaded down with manure of a description that I must refrain from specifying.

"Let go!" shouts Brown frantically.

"Must pay five dollar," answers the laodah, "belong he fault."

"Cast off!" screams Brown hysterically through his handkerchief, "maskee five dollar, maskee every damthing; suppose you no go away from be chop chop, you makee die," and poised aloft a ten-foot boathook, with which I am convinced the laodah would have been brained, had he not at that moment released the cargo-boat, which drifted away in the darkness.

The air having cleared somewhat, we entered the cabin, but the stench would not go, even after we had made the boy wipe it off the walls and ceiling, where it had condensed.

Happening to look down, I discovered the cause - it was the dog; he had evidently jumped on board the cargo-boat during the confusion and missed his footing after getting on board. Brown wanted to have him washed, but we were desperate by this time, and I carefully and gingerly wrapped him up in a newspaper and threw him through the window. The horrible beast, however, returned during the night and

"Never mind."

slept on my shirt, which was hanging up on the floor.

Until after dawn I got no sleep, for just as I was dozing off for the first time, another terrific crash and bump threw me across the cabin.

"What thing, laodah?" says Brown in a voice of despair.

"Maskee," comes back the voice of the laodah; "have makee bit one small piece stone bridge."

Hoping to escape the mosquitoes, I now ascended to the roof, and lying down, was, I believe, about to drift off into slumber, when I was startled by a warning shout from the laodah, and sitting up suddenly, my head came into violent contact with the coping stone of a bridge. Had I lain still I should have escaped unhurt, but the laodah's caution made me sit up just in time to receive the full force of the impact.

Being more than half stunned, I embraced the stonework with both arms, while the houseboat glided from under me, the raised part at the back of the cabin scraping off in its passage two layers of skin from that part of my anatomy with which it came in contact.

After scrambling on to the bridge and extracting several splinters from my flesh, I had to walk painfully along the bank over the sharp stones with my bare feet to regain the boat, in stepping on board of which I awakened Brown, who asked me why on earth I couldn't keep quiet and let people sleep, instead of wandering about the country looking for amusement at midnight.

I tried to reply, but the words stuck in my throat, so I returned to the cabin.

On arrival at our destination in the morning the crew went ashore; but being far too tired to do likewise ourselves, we slept soundly till midday, at which time I was awakened by Brown, who shook me and asked me what was the matter with my face.

"Face?" I enquired sleepily, "what face?"

"Yours," said Brown; "it is an hanging down in lumps-that is, if it really is your face."

Upon looking in the glass I was horrified to find that my eyelids and cheeks had been so badly bitten by mosquitoes that I was quite unrecognizable, so much so, that when Smith woke up and I said good-morning to him, he answered: "Good-morning! who the are you?" and I was obliged to get Brown to introduce me again.

The return trip is more or less of a blank to me, which state of affairs happened in this way. The stove smoked so abominally into the cabin that we were unable to cook anything, and as a consequence had to feed on the most weird mixtures, against which nature revolted in the form of indigestion and heartburn.

Brown, like the doddering idiot he undoubtedly is, suggested as an infallible cure the swallowing of the yolk of a raw egg floating in beer, great care being taken not to break the yolk. We had plenty of eggs and plenty of beer on board.

Personally, I found that I could swallow the beer, but experienced great difficulty with the egg, for in eight tries I only managed three, but was not going to be beaten by a mere egg, so T kept it up till I had consumed six, in spite of the fact that the feat seemed to get more and more difficult as time went on. I had lost all count of the beer and quite forgotten the heartburn.

The next thing I remember was arriving at the Bund on Monday morning, and being met by two friends on the way to the office. How spick and span and comfortable they looked! whilst I was feeling as if God didn't love me any more, and my clothes were a misfit.

One asked me where the fight had occurred, and the other suggested that I should go direct to the Isolation Hospital and await developments.

Seizing my clothes, I jammed them into my kitbag anyhow, the desire to bide being uppermost in my mind; but as fate would have it I met, during my journey to my rooms, I firmly believe, every single friend and acquaintance I have in Shanghai. Fortunately, few of them recognized me and the majority of people crossed over to the other side of the road as I approached and regarded me with pity and disgust.

Dr. Jackson says I may be able to go to the office again in two or three days, and as I have an appointment with him in ten minutes' time I must conclude this letter, with my duty to yourself and love to mother.

YOKOHAMA,
Friday evening.

MY DEAR FATHER,

You will remember my telling you in my last letter that I had taken a houseboat trip to try to recover from a run-down appearance due to the heat. On my return to Shanghai the doctor ordered me to Japan as all antidote to the houseboat trip, which holiday, I told him, I really couldn't afford, but would make some sacrifices and go. I don't wish him to think I have enough money to be an invalid.

My friends advised me to try to find a companion for the journey, so I threw out some enquiries with this end in view, which only had the disastrous effect of bringing Brown round to see me, with the news that he was taking his two boys over to Yokohama for a holiday. These two olive-branches are aged respectively seven and nine, and have a reputation for devilment which is highly amusing-to hear about.

Brown knew that I had booked my passage, so escape was impossible.

We were timed to sail at 5.80 a.m. last Wednesday by the Samshu Marn, and the first signs of dawn found me at the N.Y.K. wharf, climbing the gangway.

Sitting on one of the hatchways surrounded by a pile of luggage was Jack, Brown's elder son, eating a horrible greasy, semi-transparent, green and yellow mass of bilious-looking material having a pink chop on it which he informed me was some Chinese sweetatuff that he had found on the deck.

The appearance of the thing alone made me offer him twenty cents to throw it away. I wasn't feeling bright myself, and never do if I get up before the streets are properly aired - the idea of his actually eating it made me feel quite ill.

My efforts, however, were fruitless; for I discovered afterwards he had taken my twenty cents, thrown the sweetmeat in a place from which he subsequently retrieved it, and then bought sufficient to last him the trip with the money.

Leaving Jack well charged with ammunition for one of the most earnest and painstaking attacks of seasickness I have ever seen, I made for Brown's cabin.

I found the place in indescribable confusion and Brown's legs protruding from under the bottom bunk. On hearing me enter, he withdrew the rest of his body, bumped big head, swore, wiped his face, and asked me where Humphrey was.

Humphrey, I should explain, is Brown's younger boy (the name means "domestic peace"). Jones told me that "Hump," as he is generally called, is a judgment on Brown for marrying the prettiest girl in Shanghai.

Jones, I should explain, "also ran" for the present Mrs. Brown before Brown and she became engaged owing to his motor developing acute constipation of the petrol feed-pipe, whereby the pair of them spent the night seven miles out of town on the Rubicon Road, and only managed to get home at daylight, when Brown discovered, to his histrionically perfect surprise, that the petrol feed-tap had turned itself off.

But to resume. I congratulated Brown on losing Hump and asked him where Mrs. Brown was.

"Hetty is in bed," be answered.

Not coming with us!" I exclaimed in dismay.

"No," answered Brown, "I am going to Japan for a pleasure trip."

"But the boys?" I exclaimed in astonishment; "who is going to see to them?"

"They are as good as gold with me," replied Brown proudly, "and besides, I have taken a bunk for you in here, so that if anything, should happen, you can give me a hand."

"Oh!"

"You see, old chap, I am not afraid of them unless they are sick. You know what kids are - they eat anything, and I hear there is a typhoon outside, and I am not a good sailor myself, but I know you are."

"Ah!"

"Where are you off to?" enquired Brown anxiously.

"I'm going to try to find Hump," I said weakly; "and I may also try to get a transfer. I didn't know about the typhoon; perhaps after all it would be better to put off the trip till the weather is better."

My voice, however, was drowned steamer's deep-toned whistle, and when the deck we were leaving the wharf.

Brown was now engaged in a frantic search for Hump, enquiries from the Japanese only eliciting a grin and a stare in most cases. He was, however, eventually discovered, and extracted, not without difficulty, from a ventilator.

He looked the most pitiable object imaginable, being covered with filth and oil. He explained that he had heard some one talking down the shaft of the ventilator and had climbed in to listen, and, as he naively put it, "then I slided down and stuck."

When I found time to look around after straightening up, we were fighting our way into a typhoon; so, finding they did not intend to batten down, I made for the deck and discovered with pleasant surprise that I was acquainted with a charming lady passenger who was dinging to the rails at the top of the companion.

I struggled toward her, and with my politest bow asked whether I could be of any assistance.

"Gug-gug-o~er," she answered, keeping her head turned the other way.

"Pardon?" I yelled in the shrieking wind.

"If you don't gug-gug-away I'll n-never sp-ooo-er-speak to you ag-ooh-again," she answered, without turning round.

I decided I could be of no assistance here, and was about to start off in search of the stewardess, when she suddenly turned and, throwing her arms round my neck, implored me to save her.

"I know I look simply awful," she gasped, "but you'll be a pal, won't you? Do I really look very bad?"

"Not a bit" I answered, shutting my eyes and trying to think of something else. "You're looking fine; feel bad?"

"Oo-en"

I was just explaining that she was looking better than any other lady on the ship, at which she brightened up wonderfully, when Brown appeared, with a face like soiled blotting-paper, dragging Jack along with one hand and Hump with the other, both of their faces being ditto.

Hump was only partially cleaned, and Jack was already deeply regretting the Chinese sweets and striving to show his repentance by not only throwing away all he had not yet eaten, but also by giving up all he had already consumed,

Looking Brown squarely in the eye, I expostulated with him in no measured terms for bringing the children up on deck. I really felt quite indignant.

"What can r do with them, old chap?" said Brown plaintively; "they won't stop below."

"Make 'em."

"I can't."

"Why?"

'40o-er," he replied, making the most repulsive faces.

It's all very well for you to say oo-er," I answered; "remember it was you wbo got married, not I. It was you who brought the boys on the ship, and now, just because you have over-eaten yourself, you want to pile all your troubles on my shoulders. Brown, I am surprised at you,. I really am."

"Take 'em," implored Brown, "just one minute; I only want to-hup," and with a gesture of despair he threw his overflowing offspring at me and staggered away.

Leaving Miss Snodgrass with the two results of Brown's susceptibility, I went in search of the stewardess.

This poor woman I discovered absolutely smothered in babies, all of whom had been evidently fed on sour milk for some time previous to sailing, and surrounded by a crowd of women all talking at once and most of them asking her why she didn't "do something," while she, poor soul, was wiping up babies two at a time and trying to look cheerful.

what her remuneration is I am unaware, but if she receives less than $500 per month it is a disgrace to civilization.

Even while I was standing there, three ladies wanted to know their way to the doctor's cabin, one demanded some puppy biscuits, another wanted a new tube for a feeding-bottle, which the stewardess was to see was quite clean and didn't leak, because baby had wind already, poor mite; another required some special ink for a fountain pen, two called for castor oil, and one old lady was asking for an explanation of her carelessness in not looking after Tony, her Japanese spaniel, which, as anyone could see, hadn't bad its nose wiped for hours, poor darling.

Seeing it was impossible to obtain assistance in this quarter, I went in search of Brown, and found the remains of him hanging over the rail.

"Come on, Brown," I said; "fetch your boys and take them to the cabin. You're all right."

"Am I?" and he turned on me a haggard face that would have melted the heart of a West End money-lender.

"Well, hurry up," I said, relenting, "and come as soon as you can."

"I am being as-hup-quick as I-oh-hup-ugh I-go to - I," he gurgled.

I could see he was telling the truth, so had no option but to return to the boys and their fair companion.

Eventually I fixed Miss Snodgrass in her cabin, and Brown and the boys also in theirs, and went down to dinner.

Only three other passengers appeared: a green one, a white one, and a yellow one. The green one fell at the second course and the white one succumbed to the roast mutton. The yellow stayed well, but his manner was strange and his eye wild. His method was to take a mouthful and wait, with a thoughtful look in his eye, and then, if nothing happened, chew and wait again; then, if all was still well, he would swallow, and after an interval for thought - rather expectant though it seemed to me, reminding me of the look I once saw on the face of a man who accidentally swallowed a pipe stem - go through the process again.

But all difficulties have an end, and next day we were through the typhoon and running easier. Everyone sneaked back to meals, and the yellow passenger and I put on airs.

Jack and Hump were continually turning up when I was talking to Miss Snodgrass, as children always will, till I threatened Brown that whenever I found them alone I would feed them with condensed milk, pickles, and jam. This plan worked splendidly.

On arrival at our destination, a dapper little Japanese in uniform, with a smile that overlapped his face, came up to Miss Snodgrass and myself and said:

"I am the plague."

"Which one?" I enquired.

"The cholera plague," he replied, waving his arm comprehensively toward the town.

"Go and see Brown," I answered; at which he smiled more than he conveniently could, drew in his breath with a hissing sound, and handed me a paper, which read: "Infected Port Regulations - Identification Card," which proceeded to ask who you were, age, colour of eyes, colour of hair (if any), whether married; if so, how many children, and if not why, &c., in seemingly endless array.

Miss Snodgrass kept the card covered whilst she filled it in.

So did I.

No sooner had we satisfied the plague than up popped another row of teeth, which said: "I am the police."

"Go and see Brown, No. 7," I whispered with an air of great mystery; and this time my strategy worked, for I saw him no more, but I am prepared to swear Brown did.

However, we eventually arrived without accident, except that Hump fell down an ash-shoot when looking for crickets, whilst Jack wedged his head firmly in a small inside porthole and had to be oiled before he could be withdrawn. To make matters worse, while he was firmly fixed by the head, one of the Chinese passengers stole his boots.

Japan is a beautiful country for a tourist having money to spend with a lavish hand. It is the yellow New Jerusalem in a kimono, but possesses few charms for a business man. If even an American drummer visits the country he is fortunate to get away with the clothes he brought with him, and every port is crawling with touts.

The Japanese want to do all the business in the world themselves-for themselves.

With your politically stage-managed impressions of its inhabitants you may consider that I am exaggerating - a charge to which I plead guilty in many cases, but not in this.

If you are still unconvinced, ask any foreign business man quartered in the country who is not selling Japanese produce abroad; but you must do so at once, for in the course of a few years there will be none to ask.

You may make room for a Sap in your own country, and he will take his hat off to you and smile till he could whisper in his own ear; but in. his native land he spreads his elbows out till there is no room for you, and when you politely protest he shakes his head and doesn't understand.

You are not permitted to buy land in Japan, but if you marry a Japanese woman you may pay for some and register it in her name. This is a concession in your favour - typical in design.

Everything the Japanese buy abroad is bought as a pattern, from ships to beer. When the Japanese have got the "hang" of an article, they send some business men to have a look round the factory where it was made. Not that any one can justly blame them, for they, like every other commercial nation, are out for trade; but what is to be said for the home manufacturers who give information to a people who give nothing in return but smiles, samples, and simulated simplicity?

Yet the country itself is a pure delight. I stayed at an hotel built of paper pasted on the framework of a "set piece" such as we used to see at "Brock's Benefit" at the Crystal Palace in the days when I had to reach up to take your hand, and you used to make knots in the elastic with which my sailor hat was kept in place. In this kindergarten hostelry I saw no furniture that would have looked out of place in a doll's house; and you take your food on the mat, as it were. The only thing that reminded me of Europe was the bill; yet I have never been overcharged with less annoyance to myself; but perhaps this can be accounted for by the fact that the perfectly charming proprietress, in saying "sayonara" (goodbye), begged me most earnestly to come back soon. At that time the suspicion had not eaten as a canker into my complacence that I was paying enough to keep the proprietress and staff for months, and yet I would cheerfully do it again, because they belong to the beautiful things of life.

As I approached the hotel I heard sounds of scurrying, then the slap, slap of Japanese slippers as three girls shot out of the interior on to the doorstep, took a rapid survey of me, and then bowed their flower-bedecked heads with a servility that made me feel uncomfortable - under the circumstances. They were all charming, they bubbled with merriment, and dimpled with laughter. Each wore a brilliantly coloured kimono traced in bold yet successful designs. All were pretty.

The novelty of the situation is added to by the fact that one has to take one's boots off, squat on the floor, and clap one's hands instead of ringing the bell, though to be sure little clapping was necessary in my case, for there was an almond eye at a slit in the paper door watching to see that I wanted for nothing.

After a really excellent dinner and a bottle of claret with a mark I never expected to see in Japan, and that must have been a pure accident, I decided to go for a walk, and passed out the back way. I had proceeded only a couple of yards in the dusk, however, when I fell over something which, upon investigation, I discovered to be one of the waitresses having a bath in a little wooden tub.

She smiled at me very pleasantly and inquired whether my dinner had been "ah ri." Having reassured her upon this point, I apologised for having startled her and prepared to resume my walk.

"What you mean, startled?" she inquired, as she went on soaping her toes.

"Frightened you," I explained.

"Oh, that all ri!" she assured me. "I not frightened." And, after bidding her good-night, just to show her that I wasn't frightened either, I left her smiling at me over the top of the tub in the moonlight, an opalescent idyll in soap and water.

In Tokio the traveller would - at first glance - assume that he had arrived at a British port. Signboards in English are displayed broadcast. Over every door is a name in English letters. Every other man one meets is wearing a top-hat and frock-coat - but what a top-hat and what a frock-coat! Ask one of these gentlemen the way to the post-office in English, however, and he smiles broadly at your ignorance of his language - for not one word of yours does he know.

So to bed at last in peace, as it is getting very late, goes

SHANGHAI,
Friday evening.

MY DEAR FATHER,

I returned from Japan last night, and have decided to stay quietly in Shanghai and recuperate after my holiday. How awfully fatiguing holidays are!

In reply to your query as to the nature of the businesses in Shanghai, I am afraid you ask a quqstion beyond my power to answer, but with all due deference, I should say that the wharf and godown business is of the greatest importance here.

I cannot get a satisfactory explanation of how the term "godown" originated, and why it was substituted for warehouse, but understand that the word "godown" is used because, if one buys shares in a company owning godowns, the value will immediately go down.

In substantiation of this contention, I must admit I have not so far beard of a wharf and go-up company in the East.

Then there is the piece goods trade, which deals in piece goods, or rather did, piece goods being cotton stuff that the natives buy to patch their clothes with; hence the name. Just now, however, the natives have not enough money to buy patches with, and not enough clothes to attach patches to, even if they had, so they go about still better ventilated than before. Meantime, the piece goods merchant cuts down his wife's dress allowance, reduces the number of his midday cocktails to three, and tells the shroffs to call again.

"Shroff" is the name applied to the employe of every local firm whose duty it is to collect money, and in view of the prevailing system of credit, the shroff's lot is not a happy one in hard times; for a man's position here is not ruled so much by what he can earn as by what he can owe and still remain at large.

Getting into debt always requires a certain amount of genius, but it is only the really talented man who can get out of debt again.

Generally speaking there is not much to fear in lending a man money if he is settled down here, because if a man is dishonest be may as well book his passage at once. He can do no business after his first crooked deal.

There are exceptions to every rule, of course. We keep ours in the municipal gaol.

It is not the amount a man owes but the way he owes it, that is of vital importance, and in this connection it is as well to bear in mind that poverty is no crime: it is only the horrible punishments with which poverty is visited that gave rise to so ridiculous an idea.

I should say insurance ranks nest and is by far the most profitable; but that is principally because the methods of doing business are different here, and the insured is made to pay his premiums promptly, but should he be so wicked, so criminally negligent, as to have a fire, he is arrested immediately. In his frantic efforts to escape the meshes of the law, which of course, if a native, he doesn't understand, he usually overlooks his claim, but should the law Drove powerless to put him out of harm's way, and he timidly suggests compensation, the manager has only to frown heavily and he runs away and hides himself.

The fire insurance companies have also formed an association, thus doing away with competition and dictating their own terms-take it or leave it! If one wants insurance, one must be very polite and do as one is told; run one's business as the Association wishes, and then they will give the matter their consideration.

What is required is an Insurers' Association, or combine, of all big hongs, wharves, &c., which would act exclusively in concert in all matters relating to insurance. I think this would be the only way to make the scornful smile of the Association fade away and gradually die.

In common fairness, however, it must be admitted that the Chinaman's last hope when he is on the verge of bankruptcy is a fire. He considers that the "foreign devil" has made him a bet of the face value of his policy that he can neither have a fire by accident nor set fire to his house himself without being found out.

In one case tbat came to my notice recently, a Chinaman actually set fire to his house, and the dead body of his own child was found inside by the firemen. A doctor's examination of the corpse disclosed the fact that the child had been dead two days.

Our Fire Brigade is composed entirely of volunteers, which speaks well for the public spirit of its members. They are, moreover, just as efficient as any brigade in the world.

Stockbroking is also carried on, but the methods of business are different from those adopted in and around Capel Court. The fluctuations of the market are very wide. It frequently happens that one goes to bed wondering what make of car to buy, and at tiffin next day is calculating how much one's furniture will fetch under the hammer.

There is, of course, the usual speculative description of business, such as the Watch Club. One of this type started here some months ago, and its members, I feel sure, never did so much watching before in their lives. Some of them are stfll at it.

A Watch Club, as you are doubtless aware, is an amalgamation of members in which forty mugs subscribe $1 per week on the chance of winning an amalgam watch that ticks and keeps sufficiently good time for the members to know when the payments are due. The promoter conducted the concern well till it got rather too big for him to handle alone, when, as was to be expected, as he was an expert watcher himself, and was using his ears also, he heard something crack and stood from under. But this precaution on his part was futile, as the other watchers got hold of him and pushed him underneath again, so that when the club fell it gave him a nasty jar-very nearly a stone jug. Anyhow, he came to the conclusion that he could watch more comfortably from a distance. His motto was "Watch and Prey."

There is also the missionary business. Of course, there are plenty of good missionaries who do not think it is a business or know they are parties to making it one; and again there are others. For the sake of the former, one says little on the subject, like the sailor's parrot but one wonders whether a carefully arranged commercial campaign in the guise of religion is a money-changer's within the meaning of the Act of God.

The businesses which suffer from the worst management, strange to say, are those of a semi-public character. In dealing with the officials connected with this class of concern, one is exposed, in the majority of cases, to the most arrogant, asinine discourtesy, puerile ignorance, or senile decrepitude.

Another class of business of great importance is that known as the Export and Import Merchants, a name applied to a concern which does not wish to appear out of place if seen selling Bibles, dice, or rifles, and which covers an enormous ground. On this ground can be discovered hard-bitten taipans who "engage" a compradore with "security" (beautiful word, security), buy stock (with his money), and then engage market shroffs (with ditto, ditto) to sell the stock. Possibly as a result, we have here taipans who treat their employe's with snubbing discourtesy upon the "keep them in their place" principle, which can be translated "keep them out of their place" - the method is one of self-defence: an indefensible, sandbag method of defence.

When I arrived as a griffin, of course, I had this in my 'riNd, and selected my taipan with the greatest care, believing it better to have a good taipan than a good salary at the start; for, following this course of action, the griffin who is "exclusive" in his dealings with taipans acquires both, if he deserves to. And I do. One cannot be too particular where taipans are concerned.

The business man who is conspicuous by his absence is the bookmaker, and more's the pity, say I. If you can imagine a racecourse without a "ring "; shotiting that stirs the blood, the sudden hush when "they're off, witty men with white hats and beefy faces, ever ready with jokes and repartee, I confess candidly I cannot. Anyhow, they tell me the race meetings here are tame, and this must be the reason; also one usually has to lay evens or odds on to bet on our totalizator.

Protection against fraud is an easy matter if licences are issued and deposit insisted upon, as you know. Not that there is any desire on the part of the authorities to suppress betting, for bookmaking is carried on, of course, but by a trust known as the Race Club (proprietary), which bets upon the "heads I win, tails you lose" principle at 10 per cent, commission, leaving you no chance of choosing odds." Imagine one in ten of every dollar that is laid out in sweeps or bets of any description, where no other kind of betting may take place! Of course the Club is quite above-board and its proprietary members are honourable sportsmen who would stoop to nothing unfair, but the point is, in my humble opinion, that they love themselves too much, and look on their own interests through the small end of the telescope, and on their duties to the racing public through the large end.

Let it be said on the other side that its profits can only be used by its voting members for the encouragement of racing amongst the members themselves.

Of course, if r do not like betting with them, I need not, but then I am precluded from betting with any one else; and again, if I do not like to attend their meetings, I need not; but then there is no other worth attending. I love racing under ordinary conditions, and these ten-per-centers have taken up the best part of my recreation ground; confound them!

Journalism, considered for the moment as a business, is a failure here; the Shanghailanders haven't enough sense to buy what I write and too much to buy what the others write; consequently there is no money in it.

Hello? Twelve o'clock - where's my nightcap? Here's to you, who have all the kindliest thoughts of.

SHANGHAI,
Friday evening.

MY DEAR FATHER,

I have received a letter from mother asking me if we are well provided with churches here, and whether I have a good pastor to sit under. I am not at all sure that I know what the term "sit under" means (unless indeed it implies that one becomes "addled"), so I did not refer to it but assured her that this being the headquarters of the missionary movement we have an unrivalled choice of spiritual nourishment and to my personal knowledge at least one good sporting parson of the genuine type, who is himself a human being and thus capable of doing real good work.

An angelic, spiritual clergyman always reminds me of a rainbow - God's sign in the heavens - an object for awed admiration, but incapable of coming down to earth and lending a stranded sailor five dollars, or getting a half-nelson on him and helping to persuade him out of the public-house and deposit him with a resounding bump upon the deck of his ship just before she sails.

Please reassure mother on this point yourself, and if she asks any further questions, answer them in a way to please her. I never could tell her any untruths myself, because she has such an altogether pathetic belief in me; but I know that you do not mind going to any length to make her happy, and this is an opportunity of which I hope and trust you will take the fullest advantage.

whilst upon the subject of churches, I find that I am living quite close to one having a peal of bells. There are eight of them, and four only are in tune. In running down the scale the last four give tongue in a succession of notes so fiendishly ingenious in their diabolical discord as to make one's nerves writhe as if having a tooth stopped.

Church bells, as you know, were originally used to scare away evil spirits. In this respect the peal in question would have been signally successful, for they are enough to scare any one-living, dead, or merely unconscious.

If the early Christians used relics of barbarism similar to these, one can almost picture an emperor of ancient Rome being aroused at '7 o'clock on Sunday morning, after a feast night, by a blood-curdling dissonance hammering at his already thumping brain, and giving orders in elaborately embroidered language for all the Christians who could be found to be burned without a moment's delay.

The Japanese men may no longer appear in the public gardens in their native evening dress. In this connection I must explain that out East everything is reversed, and the Japanese evening dress covers the upper part of the person, but exposes the lower more or less, according to the velocity of the wind. Now the Japs must wear foreign clothes on both ends, or Roan and Hakama.

This official stipulation issued by the Japanese Consul, with unintentional candour admits that the Japanese does not class himself as a foreigner in his heart, for he uses the term "foreign clothes" in China as opposed to the Japanese ordinary dress, excepting only in the consular notification Hoari and Hakama, of which words I do not know the meaning, but trust for all our sakes that they are not the Japanese equivalents for a figleaf and a piece of string.

The notification says nothing about the Jap girls, but the authorities, knowing what thick ankles they have, deem it unnecessary to touch upon this part of the affair.

So do I.

Shanghai is a wonderful place for the mixing together of nationals, and the results are extremely perplexing As instance the case of a man here who is in debt, and his creditor cannot obtain satisfaction, because he does not know to which Consul to apply, the facts being as follows.

The debtor's mother is an Austrian lady of rank, who married a Spaniard much more rank than herself, and had by him a son (the person in question), who appears to be the rankest of the family.

She successfully buried her husband last year, and came to Shanghai in the course of her travels, where she met a gentleman who is the son of an Indian watchman and a Chinese lady, and who has succeeded in business sufficiently well to make quite a handsome appearance; so much so that she fell in love with him, or something, and married him.

Our debtor is the son of this lady by the first marriage, as I explained before, but now it appears there are further complications, for the fact has just come to light that the Spaniard, soon after the birth of our debtor, sued for and obtained a divorce upon the ground that the boy was not his, a Russian being cited as Corespondent.

Now the question arises as to the nationality of this complicated individual, and I understand that the Court of Consuls has given orders that a drop of his blood is to be analysed.

We obviously need a Mixed Consul.

Yesterday evening I had one of the biggest surprises that I have ever experienced. On entering the vestibule of the Astor House Hotel, whom do you think I saw sitting demurely in a corner reading an evening paper? You could never guess; it was Mrs. Waydon-Brinkley.

You remember Waydon-Brinkley, the broker, and his wife-that deeply religious woman who drank nothing but barley-water at dinner, and swallowed so much tea at other times that she couldn't sit still for more than half an hour at a time on account of her nerves or something?

She is on her way to Japan. Having been divorced by her husband, she is taking a tour round the world till the dust settles. The alimony seems to agree with her, for she is bright enough now.

I spent a very pleasant half-hour with her until, quite suddenly, it was borne in upon me that she was a divorcee; and, as you are aware, no other thing in life is so intolerable to a bachelor as a married woman who is so lost to all sense of duty as to make an idiot of herself - with somebody else.

Within five minutes of our meeting she was giving me a detailed account of Waydon-Brinkley's faults. I asked her about Smith-Smith, as you will recollect, was the co respondent. She then launched out upon a tirade against Smith, who, judging from her account, is a greater villain than Waydon-Brinkley.

It thereupon occurred to me that if both Waydon-Brinkley and Smith are villains in her eyes, I, who have always found them quite good fellows, must appear to her-when she got to know me-in the light of a thoroughpaced scoundrel, so I glanced at the clock and asked her if I could order anything for her. She assented very graciously, and when the "boy" arrived in response to my summons, I ordered some barley-water, bade her good-night, and left her.

You will be interested to hear that there are no workhouses here, because if a man has the misfortune to be short of money, he either borrows it, or signs a chit (I 0 U) for what he requires. When pay-day comes, if he is unable to pay he orders more goods. This encourages the tradesman, and makes him think business is improving. Again, when one owes a heavy bill the shopkeeper is far more deferential. He is obliged to be. Then, when the day does come round when one can pay, the joy that shines in the radiant face of the tradesman gives one that pleasant glow of satisfaction that can only be attained by giving pleasure to others.

There are one or two men here who live upon their friends; but they do it so nicely and so cheerily that being one of the victims is regarded almost as a privilege. Also there are more good-hearted men here to the square mile than anywhere else in the world.

A man who whines under adversity is a distressing complaint to be at large amongst any community, for his diseased mind is infectious, and with characteristic openhandedness he is always looking for some one with whom to share his troubles; but his joys are hugged to his own bosom and cherished in secret and alone.

Personally, I do not mind accepting the generosity of the feminine of this type, because there is always a selfish pleasure in comforting women, and the process is rendered the more easy by your knowledge that their troubles are not half as serious as your own; for if a woman has received one of those cruel blows that stun, she remains dazed and silent-always silent.

Shanghai is a town with strong sporting proclivities, and nearly everybody rides. Ordinary ponies, not sufficiently fast for racing, cost about ? or less, and their keep amounts to ? lOs. per month.

We have clubs devoted to the following sports: Rifle-shooting, revolver-shooting, clay pigeons, hockey, football, cricket, tennis, baseball, bowls, boxing, swimming, rowing, "yottin," motoring, badgers, draghounds, paper-hunting (cross-country, mounted), pony-racing, pok, golf, amateur acting and debating. The latter I class as a sport because I recently attended one of the sessions. All these clubs are prosperous and all are used, with the greatest good-fellowship, by men belonging to many different nations.

To a Britisher with insular ideas, thoroughly manured by music-hall patriotic songs and carefully edited school history-books, it is positively disturbing to find out what a really decent fellow a German, Frenchman, Italian, or indeed any foreigner, can be when you really get to know him, for the only fault one can find with most of them here is that they are not British; for which one cannot blame them, because they couldn't possibly help it. Moreover, it is unfair to throw this misfortune in their teeth.

SHANGHAI,
Friday evening.

MY DEAR FATHER,

The questions you ask about the Chinese character in general I am quite unable to answer, although I have made enquiries; for I find that it is only after years of patient study of the native character that the student fully realizes that he knows nothing whatever about his subject, and never will. It is only the more intelligent who are able to reach this advanced stage; the remainder write books, from the conflicting opinions of which I have been obliged, with all due deference, to form this opinion.

How can I form an opinion of a race of human beings whose fundamental ideas I can never understand? Let me quote an example by way of explanation. Last Monday my "boy" altered the figures of a bill I usually give him to pay from $11.00 to $14.00. Seeing that all my belongings have been stolen with the exception of bare necessities, this is the only method of robbing me still open to him, for his latest scheme of changing my good dollars that I lay upon my dressing-table at night, for brass ones has been detected.

Having proved the forgery against him, I lost my temper. I admit my fault but r am only human, so I kicked him downstairs.

Presently I began to repent; I felt that I had been unfair - a bully - so finally, feeling thoroughly ashamed of myself, I rang the bell.

My boy entered reluctantly and fearfully, but on my presenting him with a dollar, with the idea of purchasing one shilling and ninepence worth of self-respect, his expression changed from sullen hate to rapture as he smilingly took the money and departed. Five minutes having elapsed, I heard a timid knock at the door, which opened about an inch to admit the tip of an apprehensive nose, followed by the remainder of what does duty for the face of our house-coolie.

"What do you want?" I enquired with irritation.

Advancing on tip-toe with an air of great mystery, he approached my chair, and bending down in exactly the opposite position to that usually assumed by one person in bowing to another, he remarked over his shoulder; "Suppose you wanchee kick some more alle same, master, you pay my ninety cents can do!"

It is highly diverting, from an Eastern view-point, to read complaints from home upon the servant question; let me assure you, you do not know what trouble in this respect really means.

One hears employers here openly confess that it is useless trying to prevent servants from stealing, and that one must "allow" a certain amount for "squeeze."

This is equivalent to saying, "I am not to be worried about the Chinese servant; he is going to rob me-very wdl, I give in, I am tired "-and is one of the symptoms of Maskeeitis, which disease is explained later on in this letter.

All my beautiful socks that mother knitted at home have vanished, my shirts have disappeared, I am underpantless, singletless, and collarless, and now that there is nothing more to steal I am boyless.

"Allow" quotha! I didn't allow anything. I never had an opportunity. I was looked upon as a useful source of suly, and woke up one morning to discover that I had been inveigled into playing a game I didn't understand. as a result of which I had been huffed.

My boy is now in search of another griffin, but I have hopes-he is very deaf-that the trams may yet avenge me.

It is useless taking him to the police. They are, for one thing, too busy catching dogs at ten dollars apiece, 'and for another they must have clear proof.

I showed the inspector my chest of drawers (which are the only kind of drawers I have left), which he had to confess were clear enough, but didn't constitute proof. So, with tears of mortification, I pulled up my trousers and showed him I had only the top part of one sock attached to my boot-tops. I opened my waistcoat and convinced him I had only a dicky underneath, and a pair of detachable cuffs stuck in my coat-sleeves with paste. The only thing he could do for me, however, was to advise me to sleep in my trousers and coat and thus be sure of these, at least if the worst happened.

How is it that the police do not receive instructions to issue licences to boys, giving their father's name and address, or that of a guarantor, such card to be endorsed by employers, I put down amongst the enormous number of things I do not know owing to my extreme griffinity. A heavy penalty could be imposed upon any one found "faking" these passes. The pass system works well in Rhodesia, where it has been in use for years.

This would, of course, be only the first step, so much I realize; but every one here decries any effort that fails to land one at the end of the journey before one starts, and when this preposterous method of attainment is found to be impracticable (except by the Chinese, who contrive to do everything in this manner), the usual comment is "Maskee."

"Maskee," let me explain, is Huangpoonese for "never mind," and its continual use produces an effect upon the foreigner similar to that attained by the Chinese as a result of the opium habit. It is called Maskeeitis.

Another affliction from which we suffer is the washman, who charges by the piece, irrespective of the description of garment. Consequently, if he tears your shirt into four pieces you pay for four and lose three other things, thus striking a balance. He also hires your clothes out to natives by arrangement with your boy, and his methods of washing are peculiar, as instance his mode of procedure in washing socks, which he does by putting four or five pairs on his feet at one time and going for a walk in the creek.

There is one phase of the Chinese character, however, which is becoming more noticeable every day. This is their insistent demand for reform. It is as unmistakable as it is inspiring in the grandeur and boldness of its scope. One sees its unwearying, splendid persistence in the Imperial decrees. During the past few years decrees have been issued from the throne destroying and prohibiting everything in China that is abused and made a vehicle for illicit commissions, injustice, oppression, or "squeeze," the latter term being the local equivalent for extortion.

All these decrees end with the injunction "Let all tremble and obey." Whether any one trembles I am unaware, but it is obvious that no one obeys. Obedience is impossible, because if every institution that has been converted into a means of extortion were abolished there would be no institutions remaining.

The method of reform which at present prevails would appear to be as follows: There exist official censors whose duty it is to report any irregularities by memorial to the throne. Presuming these censors do their duty, there must be presented about eleven thousand memorials per diem. As comparatively few reach the throne, however, we can only assume that even censors are willing to "listen to reason."

These impeachments, or memorials, are handed from the throne to certain "boards," such as the Board of Finance, Board of Agriculture, Board of Communications, Board of Civil Appointments, Board of Uncivil Disappointments, Board of Rites, Board of Wrongs, &c., for investigation and report.

The use of the term "board" in this sense is delightfully apt nomenclature, where the subject is so inanimate and characteristically wooden.

These boards, presumably after a few months or years, send up recommendations in reply by means of another memorial. This memorial containing the recommendation then probably has to await its turn.

What happens next-if anything-no one appears to know, but, judging by results, after the lapse of say fifteen or twenty years the memorial is brought up for perusal "in due course," as they say at our War Office. In glancing through its faded pages the powers that bc-officially referred to as US-may ascertain that one Tsu Bing Bung has been unmasked as an unmitigated scoundrel, and the sole cause of all the trouble. Tsu Bing Hung is sent for. Tremble and obey. The messenger subsequently returns to the presence and informs it that Tsu Ring Bung died eight years ago, and that his present address can be only vaguely hinted at by his intimate friends who knew the kind of life he led.

This flagrant breach of etiquette annoys US immensely, and the Board of Posthumous Punishments is ordered to investigate and report. After the lapse of a few years the B. of P. P makes its report, recommending that the son be sent for and totally destroyed. Officialdom being now thoroughly roused, this memorial is rushed through in three years, the recommendation noted and approved and runners despatched, but the son doesn't tremble and obey, because he is the proprietor of a large laundry in Liverpool, and is living on the premises.

US is now in a quandary, and can't think who the Confucius to refer the damthing to next. Whilst US scratches the imperial head, however, the President of the Board of Imperial Audience Arrangers announces the Deputy-Assistant-Probationary-Vicc-President of the Board of Inanimation, who enters backwards on hands and knees. He has another memorial held daintily in his mouth, which, when he has spat it out, is discovered to contain bitter complaints of the same abuse in the same quarter.

The course for US to pursue is now obvious. US hands the new memorial to same board as before for investigation and report. Interval. Receipt of memorial containing recommendations precisely simflar to the previous one, with the exception that this time it is Wu Kung Mow that is the offender. Filed. Interval. Wu Xung Mow succumbs to senile decay. Interval. Wu is sent for (t. and o.), and so the reformation proceeds, slowly, I must admit, but proceed it does - which is distinct advance in a country where everything else proceeds backwards.

personally, however, I am not one of those who scream for China's reformation - yet; and my reason for saying this is that sixty Years after she actually did reform, abolish likin (the tax on merchandise moving inland, which is enforced every few miles) and official corruption, and spread education-not, of course, the old type of education at present in vogue-she would be in a position to wipe the floor with any other four nations combined. personally, I would infinitely prefer death to being ruled by a Chinaman.

Fortunately for the human race there is a natural law which prevents any people attaining a world-mastery until such nation has achieved a very high state of mental development. Numbers alone will not suffice. China is not yet qualified, but when she is-as indeed she will be some day - she should rule the world. Inasmuch, however, as development of intellect is universal, we have cause to hope that by the time China is in a position to rule, that natural flower of intel